Terrain of the Lugubrious Amalgamator

2005-04-03T17:20:00.000+08:00

Well, hardly. But this entry will be an entry wherein I name certain people I'd like to acknowledge, all in good ways. Otherwise I wouldn't even be writing it in here, unless I wanted to pick a fight with people. I'm not quite in that mood right now, however.

First off... HI TRISHA!

Yes, for this entry I would first like to talk about Trisha De Guzman-Felton/Clark/Santos. She is my drummer girl clubmate who is top three in their batch. She just recently passed Dugtong-Dunong (yes, about time St Paul came to their senses). Oh yes, I admire Trisha. More than just doing a lot of things, she is a lot of things in herself. More than whatever assets she has, be it the great brain or the many talents, she is more than what one might expect of a normal person.

She is kind, funny and extremely rooted. Down-to-earth.

I only hope she stays that way - I trust that she will, anyway. Don't go changing, all right? Sayang naman kung ikaw ay magiging sukab, taksil at malaking ulo. It may not mean much to you but to me it does, because very rarely do I find someone that I can actually respect, and not just merely liking as a friend or comrade.

Yes, I do respect you, (not-so) Little Drummer Girl.

Go Trisha. I've no doubt that you will go to so many places that most people can only dream about. And we're not talking about Santa's toy factory or the lair of the Tooth Fairy here. And if you decide to go morph into some member of a group with a ridiculous name, don't worry. I won't forget you still. How can I, since I'll be going around, pointing you out to the club presidents of that time and telling them to not take you in? :p

The next person is...

Probably one of the kindest people one would hope to meet in a couple of lifetimes. Someone who harbors so many surprises in her, that every conversation will feel like the start of the new friendship you have been hoping for since you were very young. One I have sadly somehow drifted apart from, and one I terribly miss.

Majirel!

Thank you for that testimonial. Only now did I actually appreciate Friendster again. I should like to catch up with you and your oh-so hectic life again - naiwanan na ako somewhere behind, pero hindi na bale, hahabol ako. Hindi pwedeng hindi. Don't allow yourself to give your entire being to someone unworthy, all right? He may be taller or bigger than me, and he may be an actual he, but I'm still a "she" who is willing to fight anyone who bothers and hurts you. No kidding.

Patricia Carla Asuncion.

NO ONE MESSES WITH THIS NAME AND PERSON. I swear, no one does. Not some piggy asshole as present as the next Orocan trash bin. Not some 84-giver.

No one can really tell the worth of this valuable friend of mine. No grades can determine her intelligence. No guitar or track lane can measure her talent. No mirror can ever show her stupenduous beauty. And no words can ever say how thankful I am to her.

I'm crazy for my Sane. I love you, Pat.

My next words will be: I AM SORRY.

And these words are for my best friend/Coke Litro/President/karamate, Bea.

Bea is perhaps the person I admire the most. Set aside malicious thoughts, please. Apart from being one of the smartest people I have ever come across, she is also one of the kindest. And the BEST. That's why she's my best friend, right? Damn. How many times did I wish to be like her? How many times did I wish for her intellect, her kindness, her patience, her charm and her whole self in general to be reflected in my own mediocre assets?

She is perfect, and she has involuntary made me insecure because of that fact.

Plus I live with the unbearable notion of knowing that she appreciates me as a whole when I can't do it myself. She is my best friend and knows a whole lot more about me than I know even an area of my finger. So, because I have treated you badly...

I am sorry. Not just for our recent falling-out but for the past few weeks/months. I know I haven't been there like I used to, and I only recently realized it. Things have been preoccupying me, and though that's no reason, thank you for understanding that. Like you always do. If I never showed my appreciation because I was too moody and all crapped out to do anything else, I apologize for that too. You don't deserve such treatment, but thank you. For still being my best friend.

I hope know you always will be. I love you, Bea.

And for now, my last call.

To the one who has had to deal my bad side more than anyone I've known since the fifth grade ever had to do. To the one who could've gone on to a better life but decided to brave the storm that is me. To the one who gives me reason to smile even when I want nothing more than to find some temporary comfort that is not healthy nor productive in the slightest. To the one I know has the potential to be everything she wants to be, and the one I know will take a couple of trips to the farthest planet and back (because I know that's how far she'll be going - never ending trips to success and fulfillment). To the one I love.

I love you, Rej.

And with that, I take my bow for now.

2005-03-29T17:01:00.000+08:00

Assholes.

You guys are just born into this world, aren't you? Unfortunately a good number of them were sent to be educated in St Paul Pasig.

You assholes don't know who you messed with.

This is Pat Asuncion you just messed with, freaks.

Here's your instant ticket to oblivion, or something close to it, at least.

Your ugly faces will now stand out, stark in our minds, minds that have been bent on making life as hellish as possible for you.

2005-03-18T20:32:00.000+08:00

I am the kindest, sweetest and most sensitive perfect being in existence.

NOT.

I am fucked-up creature undeserving to be called human. Because humans are not as bad as I am.

2005-03-18T16:19:00.000+08:00

I am feeling so bad. I had no idea that the news article I was assigned to do was the banner story. Yikes. I must look for more information to send to the senior eds. I don't want to be all embarrassed about it when someone confronts me about it. So, if you've got any information at all on the Japanese Exchange Program that is yet to happen in our school, please drop a comment or Y!M me.

2005-03-13T20:27:00.000+08:00

I'm technically done studying Biology, but I can say that I am not confident at all. No siree. Oh well, let's just see if my listening to Ms Pia Joyce Espiritu paid off even at the slightest.

I'm happily going crazy at WinMX. I decided to download some more String Tributes, and what came out in the search results were some really nice songs! Wee! I only hope that downloading would be successful. But no. They're big failures after all. Damn this awful computer. :-( It won't even allow me to download the fricking tribute to Smells Like Teen Spirit and Under the Bridge. Rarr. MORON! :-(

Anyway. I think I need this summer vacation -- I've been getting really tired lately. Is that it, or is it just pure laziness? Haha! Well, at the very least, this PC allowed me to download Schism. Nice. But I want the two other songs more :-( Oh well. Enough ranting about songs you want to download but can't.

Wish me luck for the exams tomorrow.

2005-03-09T17:38:00.000+08:00

The debate over the separation of Jerusalem for the Palestinians and Jews is finally finished.

I would not have any other groupmates than the ones I had awhile ago. Kat and Cha are the absolute best debate groupmates in the world.

Our opponents were the scariest. We have the goddess-lawyer Camel, the silent but loaded Avery Bloom and the direct speaker of the house Katrina Bauto. I bow down to you guys, especially you, goddess Bosch. And furthermore, we agree with you that the point is we should not be debating over some useless partition: we must instead unite under one banner to topple the power the useless United Nations has vested upon itself! Hear, hear!

That's one major project off our backs. I've got more, though, and funnily enough, I am actually enjoying them. Here are the things I need to accomplish:

+ Computer documentation (March 10)
+ English chamber theatre (March 11)
+ Journalism final campus paper (March 11)
+ Pauliworld news article: Korea/Japan exchange programs (March 11)
+ Pauliworld Filipino article (?): Mga hindi makakalimutan ngayong taong ito. (March 14)
+ Study for the exams (March 12 and 13, obviously)

Okay. Will go now. Must get to doing the things I've listed in here. I might be able to update on the last day, which is the 16th. While I am relieved that it's all over, I can't help but feel a little bit sad. Just a little. But oh well, I will reiterate more on that when I can. Now, I really must go do what I have to: schoolwork! :-)

2005-03-07T17:53:00.000+08:00

I just don't know what to do or think anymore. My say in something wouldn't matter in the end, anyway. That's just the way my life would go, I suppose, and nothing I would say or do would change that. Holly bully for me, yipee.

Some of you would are aware of the reason why I would occasionally be fuming in the corridors. For the record, I don't have faith or trust in her at all, not anymore, at least. I probably never will. I'm just shutting up because a person I really care for is happy, and I don't want to have it any other way.

Whatever I am bound to say, it wouldn't matter anyway. Things won't change, no one would care, and that's just fine with me.

Whatever makes her happy is fine with me. I'll accept whatever she wants. I'll be civil with it. Nothing more than that, because if I try to forge an actual friendship with her I may just end up doing something really uncharateristic of me when she causes my friend great pain and forces her to shed one more tear for her.

So much for that.

This song has been stuck in my head the whole day. I totally adore it. I first heard it when dear Reggie let me listen to it. It was the entrance song of her aunt's wedding -- I want it to be mine too! Considering I'll actually get married, of course.

ALL I WANT IS YOU
U2

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you’ll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you’ll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want
Your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You...all I want is...
You...all I want is...
You...all I want is...
You...

While you're at it, download the String Tribute for this song. It's so pretty. It's currently the "playing" song in my head and my short list of mp3s.

I want to be an academic, deportment and club awardee next year. Okay, I'll add a bit of conviction to that -- I will be an all-around awardee next year. Next year's third year, and it's the crucial year in any teener's life. If I want to even hope to get into good colleges I better make my third year right.

2005-03-06T18:57:00.000+08:00

Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease. ARPKD. Infantile cysts.

I get all excited and hyped up for the coming of my new sister, God, and you and your almighty screw-up self decide to give her polycystic kidneys. What are your intentions? To make my mom and dad fucking depressed? To break our family? To give my parents a hard time? You already gave me an autistic sister. Fuck it, now you give me a polycystic sister who may die a few days after she has left my mother's fucking womb? Yeah, having an autistic sister wasn't enough for me, you decide, so let's give me a polycystic sister who is prone to die a few days after she is fucking born!!!

Fuck the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my life. Yes. Cheer for it.

2005-03-05T19:12:00.000+08:00

My right eye hurts and I'm hoping it's not an infection. I don't want to have to go to an effing doctor because of this. This is hopefully just a side effect of the tears I shed yesterday over the loss of my black-rimmed glasses and staying up until four in the morning to do that Journ initial layout, which turned crappy in the end anyway. So much for that.

To say that today was a nice and happy day is a horrible understatement. I was with Rej from nine in the morning to one in the afternoon in school to watch Daluyong, the Dramatics class' offering. Thank you, Rej. You certainly made me happy, happy, happy, happy, and happy today (as you do everyday, but that's another story). All hail Rej. :-)

There are many other things to do, but I am too tired to do them anymore. Tomorrow will hopefully produce a revitalized Pam whose right eye is not in a momentuous amount of pain.

Call me paranoid, but I've been having these really weird-feeling attacks these days. Rarr. Here I go again. I think I need to go offline for awhile. I'm feeling too strange.

2005-03-03T17:59:00.000+08:00

I have two goals down for next year and I am extremely happy about it. The editorial board test results for Pauliworld came out yesterday, and I was qualified to be an editor. Our positions were announced today, Grace Estanislao and I are sub-editors of the news. Yay! Ü MAC Instrumentalists and Pauliworld rule supreme.

The induction is to take place tomorrow after the mass. I have a feeling that despite the slight disorganization, it will be a sad and sentimental celebration and induction respectively. It will officially be goodbye to our senior clubmates and the official "hello, we're third year students now" thoughts for me and the rest of my batchmates.

Oh, congratulations to my dear friend Pat Asuncion for being elected our batch representative for next year. I know she'll do a great job and I expect nothing less than that. :-) Congratulations, Perfect Phat.

Of course, no matter how everything seems to rock for me, two someones will always top my list of everything -- a certain doggy and a really great-smelling baby. :-) I love you two.

2005-03-01T19:24:00.000+08:00

I need to beat the shit out of my non-existent or minimal brain for being the most cruel bitch to walk this fucking world. I can't even think of a punishment for myself. I'm too cruel to be just punished with a normal punishment.

I just can't get over myself and my pathetic mood swings. I'm slowly riveting back to my old ways, and I think it's worse that ever. This makes me feel completely fucked-up. I normally would not care if no one would be affected because of my pathetic woes and burdens, but the fact of the matter is, someone is given a hard time because of me. It's just so FUCKED-UP!!!

It's so difficult to be honest sometimes. You would know and bear with the fact that with the truth, the person you confessed to would be obligated to be burdened and affected by it. I just can't take that -- I really can't. Especially if the affected person happens to be someone I care for explicitly. People shouldn't have to deal with me and my pathetic, vulnerable moods and mood swings. They've had too much of that.

I've been trying so hard to be honest. But I just can't be honest. Not with the issues that aren't even worth my time or anyone else's time, for that matter.

THIS LIFE IS A FUCKED-UP BITCH SOMETIMES.

2005-02-28T21:49:00.000+08:00

Being the last day of the month, I'd rather release everything I could right now so as not to start off my March badly.

I wish some people would just accept things as they are and get over the things they cannot change. Just because you always had something your way in the past, it doesn't mean you have an excuse to get used to it and always expect it to turn out the way you want it to be. That's called immaturity and blatant selfishness. So much for the sweet intentions and sincere promises you've been making to everyone you've been breaking.

Woohoo.

I love you, Fifi. :-)

2005-02-28T18:06:00.000+08:00

I can't change overnight, of course. No one can. The best I can do is to make as many changes as possible with each passing day and every overnight. The transformation from a lugubrious, slightly troubled and extremely moody Pam to a patient, calm and mild-mannered one is a transformation that seemed so hard to achieve in the past. It has now been reduced to something only slightly challenging, but is not something I can't do. I just need more time.

++

The loss of our schoolmate has awakened thoughts in me. How many times have I half-heartedly cried out in frustration that I wanted to die for reasons that were just so shallow and impossible? I did that so many times, when a friend of mine told me that she fought for it. She said she wanted nothing more than some more time to live. More time with this mortal life that can hardly be considered a real life at this point. God didn't grant her that, though. He wanted to finally take her up with Him to reward her for being a good fighter and person. He needed a new voice in His heaven, and He chose her.

Whether the Apocalypse is coming this year and I might be seeing her soon because of that or not, I will live my life like I've never done before. I will cast away my pessimism and hate, and control my anger and temper. Life is short, I just realized, and it would be a waste to waste it.

Thank you, Ate Kryzelle. For one last time, rest in peace. See you someday.

++

The schoolyear is coming to a close. I honestly don't know if I should be happy about it or what. I guess it would be more on the lonely side for me, because the thought that some people I have grown to love and care for may not be classmates next year anymore. We'd inevitably drift apart, and we may just completely forget. I hope that won't be the case, though.

Tuldos, in some way, despite the angry outbursts, the noisy riots and stubborn arses, you touched my lives. Inidividually and as a whole. You taught me quite a lot of things. Thank you for that, classmates. Good luck with junior year!

++

Junior year.

Time's running out for me and the rest of my batchmates. This coming summer will be the last decent summer we'll be experiencing. For the summer after junior year will be devoted to college entrance exam review and straightening out. I will have to make my junior year a perfect year, grades-speaking and life speaking.

Grades-speaking is self explanatory. Junior year is the grades universities look at when you apply. Life speaking... well, let's just say there are people I want to spend time with next year, because I might find myself not being able to do so during my senior year anymore. Things may have to end. Gargh. Stop it, Pam. It's too early to think of that. Much too early.

2005-02-27T15:40:00.000+08:00

I never thought that in my life at SPCP, I would be writing an entry with the purpose I have in mind. I never thought I would write to express my condolences, and to try put everything into words. I never thought I would make feeble attempts to tell them how sorry I am for their loss, and how much I wish there was something I could do for them. Because despite what I may be saying or telling them, I know I cannot touch their lives in the way she touched it. No one can replace her and no one will ever dare attempt to.

Once more, I ask you to please pray for Kryzelle Cruz. She is no longer fighting the battle against lupus -- she is now with God and in His kingdom, but that doesn't mean that lupus has won this battle. She fought hard. God just wanted to give her the reward for doing so.

I didn't know Ate Kryzelle well at all. She was my friend Klarisse's sister, and she was always nice to me. She also was a fellow auditioner for the MAC Choir when I was in first year. She had such a beautiful voice, and she even attempted to 'coach' me and my hopeless vocals cords to give out that sound of an angel, which I have never achieved the way she did.

Heaven or earth, she already achieved that sound and more. I'm sure she's a neophyte in that choir in heaven we earthlings love to sing about. One day I wouldn't be surprised if I would hear her sing again.

Rest in peace, Ate Kryzelle.

2005-02-24T19:21:00.000+08:00

Pam must:

... get new guitar strings (or even a new guitar) as soon as possible.
... start saving up for a special event in June.
... keep her promises.
... lose weight.
... control her temper.
... lessen my mood swings.
... exercise seld-restraint and control.
... show less emotion.
... show that I love, care for and am thankful to the concerned people in my life.
... focus more on the important things.

People often tend to be right, particularly those people who seem to know you better than you know yourself or at least better than you credited them for. They are right in saying that what I know my flaw is really is one of the major flaws they see in me. Guys, I really am trying to change. I may not be able to do it just yet, but I will. I promise you guys that.

We've no school tomorrow due to that EDSA commemoration that happened four years ago. I remember that EDSA Dos event -- my mom and I walked the whole way to be there. So many people were there, uniting under one cause, and I always believed that those poeple there made up the bulk of the Filipino people until I got to know that there was more than one side to that uprising.

That's always the case, is it not? One side will also be more exposed than the other -- and that bared side will obviously be the one people will join because they know no other side. It's sort of like that dominant and recessive genes crap we studied in Biology. Two traits will always be present, but one will also have to triumph over the other and the other will concede in a way -- just hide away to be passed on to the concerned person's offsrping.

Please pray for Kryzelle Cruz, a schoolmate of mine and the sister of a good friend of mine. She's in critical condition and suffering from lupus, which is the same sickness that literally took the life out of our former president Ferdinand Marcos. God knows she needs our prayers.

Jesus. My eyes sting and itch. No wonder I'm not making so much sense.

2005-02-20T14:46:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry.

I'm just so fucking screwed.

Shutting up now. I just had to say something that was even just a bit more productive than my blank gazes and meaningless words under my breath.

2005-02-18T18:24:00.000+08:00

This amalgamated day has been either happy, hyper or just plain crappy. I did not get off to such a good start, but there have been instances that I suddenly remembered good days or moments and ended up being the happy person I'm supposed to be.

Thanks to a tactless remark at the end of the day, however, my day, regardless of the happiness and joy inserted here and there, crumbled to bits. I often find hate lists childish and immature, but at the moment, I have a hate list with two people in it. I expect I'll get over it soon enough, though. After all, there are people whom you deemed sensitive and understanding at the start but enp up being the exact opposite. That's just one of the many truths and facts of life.

I need to get a grip on myself. I have to stop acting like a human hosepipe upon the slightest comment, whether or not it goes in a postive way.

I am blessed and I must be happy.

I will get over this, but I suppose what matters now is that I'm still affected by it. The damage is done, insensitive twit. There's nothing anyone can do about it.

F&L is over, and Saturday is tomorrow.

2005-02-17T21:00:00.000+08:00

Two down, two to go.

SCT Elections and club elections are over. Florante at Laura is to be presented tomorrow, and Saturday is two days away.

Congratulations to the new SCT officers and the new CORE of each club. I'm so honored and thrilled to be working with Jen (El Presidente), Ate Cata (El Bise Presidente), Guada (El Treasurer), and Jan (El PRO) next year. I will try my hardest to be a good secretary as they are great, competent beings and for MAC Instrumentalists as well. :-)

I'd like to give my congratulations to those people dear to me who nabbed a spot in the CORE of their respective clubs.

+ BEA -- my best friend, PRO of F-SD :-) I am so proud of you. Let no one alter your feelings about this wonderful endeavor, karamate. You are nothing less than DESERVING AND RIGHT for this. No one else can be any prouder than I am. :-)

+ LESLEY -- my inaanak, PRO of MAC Choir for the second time :-)

+ MUSHU -- the Vice President of the Homemakers Club :-)

I will add more if I recall any more. :-)

Cheers, everyone.

2005-02-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

Kapag Nawala Ka
Stonefree

I.
Kapag nawala ka giliw
Araw ay di na sisikat
Di ko na muling mararanasan
Dulot mo sa aking sigla

II.
Kapag nawala ka giliw
Labis na malulumbay
Di ko na nanaisin pa
Na ako ay mabuhay

Chorus:
Paano ang yakap
Paano ang halik
Kapag nawala ka?

III.
Kapag nawala ka giliw
Mundo’y walang kula
Di ko na muling masisilayan
Ang taglay mong ganda

IV.
Walang saysay ang buhay
Kung sa’kin ay mawalay

V.
Kapag nawala ka giliw
Labis na malulumbay
Di ko na nanaisin pa na ako ay mabuhay

Di ko makakayanan ~~kapag nawala ka~~. At iyon na iyon. Salamat.

2005-02-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

This idiot has so many things to say. This moron has a lot of things to accomplish that she hasn't even started on yet. This nitwit would just like to say what she feels like saying as of the moment.

Next week is going to be a busy week, but everyone will deal with it just fine, I'm sure. Next week is also lloovvee week, and elections week at our school. Not only will the new student government be determined on Wednesday, the governments of each club will also be disclosed.

Wait. Must eat lunch.

2005-02-11T19:11:00.000+08:00

I haven't been updating much lately, I know. Forgive me, forgive me. Truth be told, nothing's really been going on in my life recently -- I'm still my same, slightly sane, happy self. Well, admittedly, that self of mine is currently going through a slightly bad trip, because the shots she took during the Soph Night that had no flash did not come out at all when she had the film developed. Ah well. As lovely Pauline said, Soph Night isn't about the pictures taken -- it's about the people I spent it with and the moments I spent with them.

I received four copies of my presumably best solo pictures that night. For once, I actually like the way I look in there. I will try posting it in here. Now, I've only one thing to look forward to, and that is YOU and my dad's digital camera's memory card to be full so that it can be developed. I've two pictures with my best friend in there, man. :-) The best of the best.

Must go now! I still need to type up my news articles for the campus paper for Journ.

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
Waiting 'round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

2005-02-08T18:24:00.000+08:00

I really should avoid showing too much glee in here. I keep forgetting how easily accessible sites in the World Wide Web are. Mere figments of my happiness have reached this place, and I intend to keep it that way. I will reserve the full blown glee for my poor friends, whose arms I may just bite out of joy.

Speaking of biting arms, Avery bit mine yesterday. I've still got slight bite marks, that are slowly being replaced by bruises. I've been getting small bruises lately, and I have no idea where they came from. I think I've been moving around too much these days. Well, I have to, because if I become too idle, the flow of emotions will be too unbearable just sitting and bumming around.

I want to eat dinner. Yum. I wonder what's for dinner?

2005-02-07T17:50:00.000+08:00

DISSECTING IS FINALLY OVER.

The one thing I've been dreading since the start of my high school life -- IT'S OVER. I can finally really begin living like a proper high schooler from now on.

Of course, I wouldn't have been able to hold back my tears until Biology time if it weren't for the happiness showering this day.

My friends are happy.

Dissection is over.

And most of all...

:-)

2005-02-06T08:18:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO TELL YOU
The Beatles

I want to tell you,
My head is filled with things to say,
When you're here,
All those words they seem to slip away.
When I get near you,
The games begin to drag me down,
It's alright,
I'll make you maybe next time around.
But if I seem to act unkind,
It's only me, it's not my mind,
That is confusing things.
I want to tell you,
I feel hung up and I don't know why,
I don't mind, I could wait for ever,
I ve got time.
Sometimes I wish I knew you well,
Then I could speak my mind and tell you
Maybe you'd understand.
I want to tell you,
I feel hung up and I don't know why,
I don't mind, I could wait for ever,
I've got time. I've got time.

THANK YOU GIRL
The Beatles

Oh, oh,
You've been good to me, you made me glad when I was blue,
And eternally I'll always be in love with you,
And all I gotta do is thank you girl, thank you girl.
I could tell the world, a thing or two about our love,
I know little girl, only a fool would doubt our love,
And all I gotta do is thank you girl, thank you girl.
Thank you girl for loving me the way that you do, (way that you do),
That's the kind of love love that is too good to be true,
And all I gotta do is thank you girl, thank you girl.
Oh, oh,
You've been good to me, you made me glad when I was blue,
And eternally I'll always be in love with you,
And all I gotta do is thank you girl, thank you girl.
Oh, oh.

Remove a couple of the hyperboles and strong outbursts of emotion and you'd have the perfect summary of what I am feeling right now. Oh yes. I salute The Beatles more than ever now. Hail, hail!

The stomachache from a couple of weeks back is coming back. Damn it. Maybe I should tell my mom about it... okay, it's gone. So, strike the previous notion.

Ow ow ow.

STILL HAPPY, THOUGH. :-)

2005-02-06T01:37:00.000+08:00

Soph Night is FINALLY OVER.

I won't go into the complete details right now, as it is 12:40 in the morning and my eyes are ready to droop any minute now. It was okay though not as fun or as mind-blowing as I had expected it to be. But yeah, it was mighty fine.

I wouldn't have enjoyed it immensely without dating my best friend for the first hour or so.

Of course, I wouldn't have found a reason to smile the whole day without you. It's a miracle you can stand me and my idiosyncratic self. I would expect you to leave like many others but I was wrong - and for that I am extremely grateful. Thank you. :-)

* Finding a shade of pink I can actually love.
* Waking up from the first nightmareless sleep I've had in weeks.
* Looking out on to the sea again after the longest time of living meaninglessly on dry land.

Man. The effects people's kindness have to other people who feel that they don't deserve it (example of the latter: ME).

THANK YOU. I CAN NEVER SAY IT ENOUGH.

2005-02-05T14:33:00.000+08:00

I just came from the parlor, where my mom sent me for a complete overhauling. The external appearance of the person typing this is so not the Pam you might know. My hair is all stiff and parted, my nails are French-tipped. God.

"It's just one night, Judy. Magpaayos ka na.", or so my mom said. Upon agreeing, she happily quipped that she would put make-up on me. Okay, Mom. Make me look like the doll you never had the chance to be. It's really all right. And I'm not just saying it for the sake of doing so -- I really do mean it.

I am so fortunate to be going. A plus is that my parents are also encouraging about the whole thing. It's quite touching, really.

I am still happy. Tsk. :-)

2005-02-05T08:52:00.000+08:00

We've come a long, long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I want to celebrate you, baby
I WANT TO PRAISE YOU LIKE I SHOULD

Right now the lines above go out to two people.

Both are making me happy right now. Both make me feel that I'm not the most useless person on the face of the entire planet. Both are still there, whether I'm my happy self or my dangerously bitchy alter-ego.

I should praise both of them like I should.

Soph Night later! Mom nagged me to go to the parlor and have my nails cleaned at least (yes, mother knows best -- my nails are DISGUSTING right now) and to have my hair blow-dried. So I will, maybe after lunch or so.

I'm still indecisive about what I should wear.

Should I wear the blue bohemian dress or the sparkly black evening gown (to comply with the name of our Soph Night, which is "Sparkle", haha)? Maybe I should just go in a pair of shorts and no top. Perhaps I have a good chance of bagging an award for that.

The "Soph Night Lunatic" award.

I feel like an effing tourist with the camera I'll be bringing. The photo services during the Soph Night are so expensive -- 180 a picture is not really reasonable for me. But anyway, I'll still be bringing money in case I want to have pictures actually taken.

However, my Soph Night will be lonely. I was looking forward to hanging out with my best friend for half the night, but unfortunately some complications arose. Oh well. Come what may, Bea, you're still my best friend, date, bonding or not. I'm not going anywhere. :-)

All in all, I'm still happy. Yes, no question about it, I am extremely happy. Oh yeah.

2005-02-04T19:04:00.000+08:00

Today is the first day that I think I may be regaining my happiness. Well, okay, "happiness" may be too strong a word. But I'm sure you fine people do get the gist of what I'm trying to say in here.

I finally said what I must, released what I wanted to, did what I knew I had to do. Weeks of agonizing over a deep, dark secret and emotion that I thought I would never be able to express are now officially a part of my past, which dutifully began yesterday.

All that matters now is the present, and the coming days of hopeful happiness and a delirious sort of freedom.

Nothing else to worry about but school requirements and petty matters, which I don't think will be so difficult for me anymore. No way. Not in this happy state of mine.

Okay, so people are contributing to my smile and happiness right now. Eeeeee.

What date is it today? Oh. February 04. I've got to remember to mark that as one of my craziest moments/days in life so far. Crazy-happy, I mean. Thanks much to Pat and Rej for being two of the main contributors to my glee. Eeeeee (meaning, Pam smiles WIDELY).

Okay, okay, you're making me smile.

Everything's making me smile. Everything just became so damn beautiful.

I don't think I'll be writing depressed, crappy entries in here for awhile. Not unless I get depressed again, of course, which I think could be a rare occurrence from now on. I am officially happy.

Thanks to YOUUUUUU. Eeeee.

Not even the notion of dissecting my biggest fear on Monday can put me down right now. :-)

2005-02-03T18:49:00.000+08:00

I've never been a good pretender. I've particularly never been good in keeping my feelings to myself. I would always make it come out in some way -- I would usually let that person know what he or she must, and that is what I feel about him or her at the moment. Trying not to pretend anymore is so much easier than keeping everything locked inside you.

Now, though, I know I need to hide all these emotions, feelings, thoughts and words away. You made it clear that you don't want any complications and things going on in our lives and between us, and the feeling is mutual (at least I still think it is). I wanted to let you know that I really do care for you and love you, contrary to what you might think, but I don't think that matters at this point.

There are so many things I'm thinking about right now, and all these thoughts are about you. But given the chance to say everything, I don't think it would go past three words and awkward glances at the floor and maybe at each other at times. Whatever goes, right? That's what we always say.

Continuing it now.

LONELY LONELY LONELY DAY.

Bow.

2005-02-01T21:12:00.000+08:00

I want to be in the CORE of our club (MAC Instrumentalists) next year. I think I have some ideas that can be used for the club. I think I can be useful and will be productive.

Well, whether or not I get in the CORE, I hope the new CORE will be open to suggestions from its members. I want to suggest and maybe proactively help. I love our club too much to see it settle for a lesser position we do not deserve. I want to help, help, help.

GO MAC, I LOVE YOU.

The elections are to be held this February 17 (happy birthday Avery!). Oh, and speaking of happy birthday, happy birthday to the wonderful CHARLOTTE GRACE NOMBRES aka Syoti. One of the kindest people I have ever known. :-)

Been busy and ended up sluggish these days. Oh well. :-D

Have any of you noticed that my entries have been lacking emotion and feeling? Well, I have, and I only just realized it today. Truth be told, the past days (even weeks, come to think of it) and I have been suffused with emotion. In fact I don't think I haven't been feeling the way I have in a very long time. The feelings are all in my chest, waiting to explode, a combination of disappointment, anger, hurt, confusion, joy, weariness, heartbreak... you could say I'm burdening myself with these things.

But the real burden is not all these aforementioned, but something else I'd rather not disclose here. There are some things, after all, that should never be revealed for everyone's sake. Particularly for my sake and someone else's sake. I don't want to drag anyone in my idiosyncrasies and moodiness, most especially not the people I really, really care for.

First secret I've been keeping to myself. But with Bea there, I'm scrapping the notion. I realized she always knew what I was talking about even if I didn't. Sigh. Sigh. SIGH.

I think that's the first real breath I've drawn in days. And it feels GOOD. It really does. Ooh. I was suddenly inspired to make an impromptu verse:

Hard as stone,
You've always left me all alone
Pity I saw you as the one who would always
Be there for me a second too late - it's all come undone

2005-01-30T13:01:00.000+08:00

If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:

- You feel miserable and sad.
- You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
- You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
- You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
- You feel very anxious sometimes.
- You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
- You find it difficult to think clearly.
- You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
- You feel a burden to others.
- You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
- You can see no future. There is a loss of hope.
- You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
- You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
- You feel you have no confidence.
- You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
- You feel that life is unfair.
- You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
- You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
- You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

One symptom to go.

Tick-tock, tick tock.

[edit: I do have physical pains. My chest would hurt for no reason.]

2005-01-29T18:21:00.000+08:00

Masaya, masaya, masaya.

Sa walang kamatayang Soph Night ay makakasama ko ang aking pinakamatalik na kaibigan alyas "best friend" na si Bea. Kami ang "magdate", haha. Siguradong kahit na kulelat ang Soph Night ay masaya pa rin ako dahil makakasama ko ang aking "doggy"/"karamate". Magpalakpakan tayong lahat.

Alam ko na talaga kung ano susuotin ko. Sana naman pumayag na si Mommy para pareho kaming masaya at kuntento. Ayaw daw niya kasi ako magmukhang gago pagpunta ko sa lugar tapos ako lang naka-Chucks, t-shirt at paldang normal, tapos lahat ng mga nandoon nakasemi-formal o magagandang suot. Bahala na nga.

Hindi ko alam bakit Tagalog ang ginamit kong wika para magsulat dito ngayon. Gusto ko lang talaga, halata ba? Parang nakakasawa din minsan kapag panay Ingles ang ginagamit kong mga salita. Hindi ba ako Pilipino? At siyempre, iyon ay isang halimbawa ng tanong na hindi kailangan ng sagot.

Isa pang halimbawa na hindi kailangan ng sagot: ang pagsasabi ng 'mahal kita' sa isang tao. Sa unang kalagayan ay hindi mo mapipilit ang isang tao mahalin ka sa paraan na mahal mo siya kung ayaw niya talaga. Kahit ba na sa tingin mo karapat-dapat ka sa pagmamahal niya, dahil binigay mo lahat. Lahat ng oras mo, buong puso mo, lahat ng ginawa, ginagawa at gagawin ay inialay mo sa kanya. Siya ang kaisa-isang dahilan kung bakit meroon ka pang direksyon sa buhay, ngunit mahal na mahal mo siya na ayos lang sa iyo mawalan ka ng direksyon kapag narinig mo mula sa kanya na hindi niya kayang ibigay sa iyo ang binibigay mo sa kanya. Tama na ang hingian -- hindi ganoon gumagana ang pag-ibig, hindi ba?

Teka lang. Ano ba karapatan ko pag-usapan ang pag-ibig? Ni hindi pa nga ako nakakamahal sa dramang paraan e. Tss.

Paalam na nga muna. Naiirita ako sa sarili ko e.

2005-01-29T15:24:00.000+08:00

Things have been insane in my life for the past days. I've been out of my mind, out of myself, into changing and so many other things I shouldn't be into in the first place. Last night's events will hopefully make her life slide back to normal. Of all the things she deserves, it's the nice life she had before I burdened her with my angsty and lugubrious self. I should try giving her that, at least, in return for the many things she has done for me and given to me.

My perspective's been changing little by little, and last night changed that completely. If I were to look back, I would see an entirely different set of beliefs from the beliefs I have learned to carry just for the last couple of days. I should be more passive to my enviroment and the people around me. I learned that opening your entire heart to people can be extremely difficult and painful -- it's there, wide open, it's hinges rusting already, but you still wait. They come in, they wreck what's in there, they leave. It's always the same process. Whereas if I showed passivity and indifference, it would be easier. Not just for me, but for everyone else.

No one (except Bea, of course) will know what I am really feeling if such a situation comes up and makes me feel. I'd rather keep everything to myself -- that way I won't be dragging people in my misery and angst and make them feel down and hurt.

BEA: I'm so sorry for being a burden. I honestly don't know what would happen to me without you. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for always being there for me. Just tell me if I get too depressing for you, all right? I'm sorry for not being there for you the past days -- for "changing" as I put it. I'll still be the same with you.

To YOU: you know who you are. Thank you for being honest with me. Tell me if I can do anything productive for you, all right? Thanks.

Going off topic now...

My mom and I had a little squabble awhile ago about Soph Night. No, it wasn't because she didn't want me to go -- quite the contrary, really. She's so much more excited than I am. We squabbled about my outfit for Soph Night. She wanted me to wear an effing gown I wore at my uncle's wedding two years ago, and all I told her was that I wanted to wear a skirt, sneakers and a shirt. She went wacko over that idea, saying that I might look like the place's waitress or something.

She means well, of course. My mom wasn't exactly well-off before, so she was never able to experience the opportunities I am having now. She just wants me to live the life she never had the chance to. So I gave in after awhile, telling her I would scour my closet for a dress, which I found. Of course, I'm not jilting my fashion touch just yet. I don't want to be all stiff in a mere sleeveless dark blue bohemian dress. I'm going to... touch it up. Oh well, we'll just see.

I'm dateless, proud of it, and am the self-proclaimed president of the one-person club dubbed "Dateless Sophomores Inc". I'm going to have fun with myself and my friends (who are dateless as well). I'm dating AJ, Angeli, Brillo and Guada. Or I could seriously ask out one of my schoolmates, whom I swear belonged to a boys' school before transferring to St Paul. Oh yes. Dating them might make me turn lesbo or bisexual again. Harhar. Just kidding, guys. No time to worry about that, though -- February 05's coming up in seven days flat.

F&L practice, club time, First Friday Mass, Soph Night, look out! Here I come!

2005-01-28T18:38:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been getting increasingly introverted by the day, or at least I've been shunning myself away from the people I once talked to so easily. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is that I don't feel my place anywhere like I used to. Gone is the sense of belonging at home, in school, in the public, or even in this ordinary life. Don't get me wrong, people have been treating me like they usually do every other normal day, but still, the feeling's still there. I don't think it's about them anymore. It's about me. All the things happening to me have been my own doing, or lack of it.

I usually find myself without a reaction when someone tells someone else to get a life, because my own life is anyway unaffected and that I should stick my nose out of someone else's life. No person deserves prying eyes that aims to disrespect one's privacy, no matter how vile or who that particular person is. It's all about respect, but at the rate our world is going, it's all about the lack thereof.

Now, however, is a different case.

I would suddenly find myself telling myself to get a life, only to wonder a couple of hours later what I meant by that. I guess it's just the nagging feeling that I've been living in a rut, doing the same things, being the same person, living the same life, which seems to be so full of endless cycles and routines. I've been trying to shed my completely pessimistic skin and be a little bit optimistic, and here is what my wee-optimistic side has concluded: maybe those things aren't such bad things, after all. It's better to live a comfortable life that may seem a bit boring at times, but it's definitely better than having to live the same life on the streets, holding on to each day for survival as always.

See? I can too be optimistic... when I feel like it. The optimism is actually getting less hypocrital everytime I try it -- you could say it's rubbing off me.

Oh, I forgot to put in something very, very important.

PWEDE KA NA:
+ makulong
+ magpakasal
+ magdrive
+ bumili ng sigarilyo at alak
+ manood ng R-18 movies
+ gawin lahat na siguro pinapangarap ng bawat nilalang na hindi pa 18 na taong gulang...

KATRINA ALCANTARA, HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY. Thank you for SO MANY THINGS that I will not even hope to include in here. Otherwise Blogger and its services will probably be flooded due to an extremely long entry that their system cannot take.

I'm ALWAYS going to be here for you, whether or not you need me. I LOVE YOU, KAT. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF. :-)

2005-01-27T18:39:00.000+08:00

I am slightly freezing my ass off right now, and my hands are all stiff as I type this entry. I am dividing my attention between accomplishing this entry and getting a successful (but hopeless at this point) download of Learn To Be Lonely, which is off the soundtrack of The Phantom of the Opera. It was nominated in the Best Song category in the Golden Globe Awards, but Mick Jagger's Old Habits Die Hard (which I also plan on downloading) clinched the Globe. Just a little bit of sharing there.

The weekend is just around the corner, but I really do feel that I would wake up to a Saturday morning tomorrow and not a Friday. The F&L script is really due tomorrow, and I will be printing it in awhile so I may give a copy to Roxane. I'm also supposed to transfer it to a diskette, so that Cha can completely edit it, print it, and hopefully have it reproduced over the weekend.

We are to start practicing next week, everyday until 5:30. Monday would be one whole run-through of the the lines, and from Tuesday onwards, we're going to really work. The presentation date is supposed to be sometime during the week of February 14, so we really have to get this done. Roxane can definitely pull this off. I'm the only sucky cast member, anyway.

Oh, speaking of Roxane, January 27 marks the 16th birthday of the finest pair of twins I have ever met. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROXANE AND ROJANI! :-)

Do any of you know the feeling of loving someone in a neither romantic nor platonic way? I can't describe this feeling I have. I just know it's love -- unadulterated, uncontrollable, inevitable.

Beauty has shown itself to me through you for the past year and even the year before last. I always see it in your smile, in your eyes. I can smell it when you pass by me, a whiff of your sweet cologne hanging in the air before and perhaps with me. I can feel it when you hold my hand and throw your arms around me. I can hear it when you pick up your instrument and start playing with all your heart, singing a beautiful song, and calling out to me even from afar. You call to me for me to acknowledge your presence, but little did you ever know that your mere presence in my life is one thing I have always and would probably always dream and hope for.

Te amo ab imo pectore .

Shallower stuff I forgot to put in the previous entry.

2005-01-26T19:34:00.000+08:00

Mommy dearest and I were talking about the upcoming Soph Night awhile ago. The topic led to dates, and here's what she had to say:

MOM: Magdadate ka ba?
ME: Hindi po.
MOM: Bakit di mo dalhin si Mikko?
ME: Ha?! (Judy laughs) Naku po, huwag na po.
MOM: Bakit ayaw mo?
ME: Eh...
MOM: Natatakot kang mahahalata ka? Hindi ka mahahalata. Malalabas na no choice ka nga, kasi family friend natin siya.
ME: Ahh.
MOM: Hindi ka mahahalata.
ME: Mahahalata din po ako. Kasi iisipin niya bakit hindi si Carlo (a family friend my age) ang dinala ko.
MOM: Oo nga 'no.. e, close ba kayo ni Carlo?
ME: Hindi po, sa edad lang.
MOM: Ano ba kayo ni Mikko?
ME: Siya lang po nakakausap ko ng madali sa kanila.
MOM: Wala na siyang magagawa kung siya lang ang nakakausap mo. Bakit di mo yayain?
ME: Haha. Bahala na po, Mom.

I REALLY, REALLY WANT HIM TO BE MY DATE.

But...

NAH. I'll wait for the prom instead.

BUT DAMN, I WANT HIM TO BE MY DATE.

Changing the course of the topic now, F&L rehearsals start next week, on Monday. I only hope this won't be a repeat of the Ramayana fiasco the whole class had to go through last year. I can't wait to step into Florante's shoes (err.. boots). I only hope I can pull it off well. I'd be so ashamed if I would be the only sucky cast member, because the rest of the cast is GOOD.

CAST FOR II - 2'S F&L PRODUCTION
FLORANTE: ERR.
LAURA: Angeli Nasser
ALADIN: Kat De Leon
FLERIDA: Katrina Bauto
KONDE ADOLFO: Memi Pelea
HARING LINCEO: Mae Lagriada
DUKE BRISEO: Avery Lipa
PRINSESA FLORESCA: Jerica Reyes
SULTAN ALI-ADAB: Jen Villania
MENANDRO:
ANTENOR:
BATANG FLORANTE:
BATANG ADOLFO:

These are the only ones I remember and am sure of at the moment. Missing characters to be filled soon, maybe in the next entry.

I know I was supposed to say something else, but I completely forgot what it was. Oh well.

2005-01-26T17:28:00.000+08:00

I just came from school, and boy, what I want right now is nothing but lie on my bed with closed eyes, deaf to all other sounds rather than the blaring music of choice at that moment.

Today was the first day that began to really prove my suspicions correct: something has been changing. The change is either in me or in my enviroment. I hardly think the latter is the victimized in this situation, because I realized today that the world's inhabitants are just carrying out their lives of meaninglessness and shallowness, like they have always done.

Maybe I'm being unfair, unjustified, biased, judgemental, and all those other things you may not have imagined me to be, whether good or bad. But maybe this is what I'm supposed to be, after all. Perhaps this is what I really am, for nothing really seems wrong with it. Sure, I am aware of it, maybe I don't even like it, but I'm just comfortable with what is going right now. Comfort, however, isn't necessarily found in good, sunny, happy, shiny, perfect deeds and things.

Everything is imperfect, except one thing that I spot no flaw in (except for her occasional migraines that I can't cure, but that doesn't count, now does it?). I would be laughing a fake laugh one minute, giggle genuinely the next, and burst into unreasonable tears the next. I've been getting hurt, passive and maybe too contemplative these days. I have been getting increasingly reclusive and continuously shunning the people I once talked to. I've been seeing slowly but surely the true colors of certain people, and the colors I didn't like definitely outnumbers the hues that I have learned to love more or appreciate. My moods have been amalgamated, everything seems to be changing in my eyes -- happiness, tears, pain, anger and emptiness seem to have been wrapped up all in one undescribable emotion.

Everything's imperfect, and maybe that isn't such a bad thing after all. The thought that this life isn't so mechanical is comforting. Mechanical gadgets rust and need to be oiled ever so often -- we wouldn't want to be wasting our time doing so, because our lives cannot cover everything one human being can possibly accomplish given a ten lifetimes or more.

But then again, that wouldn't matter then, now would it?

Oh well.

What matters is now and when the future becomes our present, then it replaces what matters, and what matters now becomes a part of the irreversible past.

Congratulations REJ! FYI: their group's interpretation for the speech choir piece was chosen by the class. The fruit of their labor paid off nicely. :-)

2005-01-25T19:27:00.000+08:00

Do you ever get the feeling that you're morphing into that hidden person within you? I'm not talking about the saint in all of us -- I'm talking the side you didn't want anyone to ever see. I'm speaking of the person you wouldn't want to risk people meeting; that person who has the uncanny ability to drive away everyone who ever mattered to you, even the people who mattered to you the most.

If I sashay right under your nose a completely changed individual you don't seem to like, run after me and pinch me hard at the nape. Doing so will elicit two possible responses: I will say "[profanity]! What the hell is your problem?" and we could a.) get to talk like two sensible adolescents or b.) get into a great big fight.

Either way, I'm not sure at this point if I will care then.

Well, it's either everyone's else has been doing the morphing or I'm the one who's been changing like crazy.

I just can't open up and talk to most people like I used to. People I used to feel so comfortable with suddenly seem so out of my reach. They make me feel inadequate now -- like they're pushing to my face that a commoner like me is not fit for the standards of their current royal stiffness. Their newfound iciness only seems to melt away when they need me for somehting or to do something, but their warm demeanor is replaced by the normal coldness I have grown used to once they've had their fills from me.

People I used to think were so substancial and worthwhile turned out to be denser than hot air balloons, and as empty as a rice box ten minutes after being given to a person who hasn't eaten for days. They seem to be occupied in things they once did not care for, and it's amazing how much one's extent of changing is. I never wouldn've thought with these people that such a change would've ever been possible.

Unfortunately for me, the people who have changed in the two previous ways were most of the people who knew me the most, the people whom I confided to, the people I trusted, the people I thought I knew. They were the people I would've gave up anything for, and they were the people who promised me as long as times possible, if not forever.

Words are just like empty seeds.

Thankfully, some good things have remained the same. The best things remained the same, actually. I only hope it'll stay that way. I've got nothing else if I lose those best things in life. The best things are the only things good right now.

2005-01-24T19:47:00.000+08:00

I have been staring blankly at the computer screen for the past couple of minutes, and even as I am typing this, I have no idea what I should write, share or do at all. Just for your information, another few minutes have elapsed and here I am again, hoping the cycle wouldn't be repeated. It's beginning to ge sickening and it is such a waste of time.

I know I want to say something, but I can't seem to just let it out. Ah. I think I remember now one thing I was supposed to say. Share. Whatever term you decide to christen it with.

If you have spent the past few days roaming the fourth floor of the main high school building in our school, you will hear two words resounding every few feet or so. These two words will just not get itself out of your earshot. It's been the talk of the Sophomores, from morning till night.

And if you didn't get what I was talking about, bolded words and all, I don't know what's the matter with you.

Dates. Dresses. Transporation. Dates. The cutest possible date. The cutest possible dress. The least expensive cutest possible dress.

About the dress, just put on the first thing your hand touches in the closet (or on the floor, depending where you pick up your clothes), put on a little eyeliner and lip gloss then just go. Haha. Of course, you shouldn't be listening to me. I will go to the Sophomores' Night a dateless fashion victim, and you really wouldn't want to enter the room like me.

I don't want to go with a date. That would mean shelling out another 200 bucks for him, and besides, I don't know any guy worth that anyway. Well, except for one guy. The problem is, I'm too shy to approach the guy toask him to accompany me to wherever.

Well, who would know that Pamela is finally getting shy and getting a blush on her pale face?

This guy is one of the two best sources of inspiration for me. The other is the permanent spot belonging to the best friend ever, of course.

Never will I trade in (best) friendship over simple infatuations like this.

Never will I trade in (best) friendship for anything.

Not you, at least.

NOT WITH YOU.

You scored as Verbal/Linguistic. You have highly developed auditory skills, enjoy reading and writing and telling stories, and are good at getting your point across. You learn best by saying and hearing words. People like you include poets, authors, speakers, attorneys, politicians, lecturers and teachers.

Verbal/Linguistic

96%

Musical/Rhythmic

82%

Intrapersonal

43%

Logical/Mathematical

43%

Visual/Spatial

32%

Interpersonal

29%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-01-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

Someone tried to victimize me last night by getting me to give him or her 300 bucks (yes, that's what the previous entry was all about). I spent today at my paternal grandparents' house to listen to adult talk and rant out a bit to my darling cousin Reggie about certain issues affecting me. My family and I went home, where a part of hell broke loose. Dad got mad at Gelic (my autistic sister, to those of you who don't know), and my mom got sensitive about that and accused me of being just like my dad. She even tried to do a bit of dramatics right under my nose, telling my sister that we all hate her. Damn her. Damn both of them. Damn all of them.

As Mandee and I have been discussing, LJ has been continuously infiltrated by and with PEOPLE. That is the main reason why this'll be my primary blog until I don't know how long. Right now I can still feel my blood boiling. I better switch to a new topic before I burst into angry tears or something.

I may not be going to Soph Night, after all. It transpires that it's my dad's 25th homecoming on that same night and I'd rather my dad would have fun, since times like those comes so rare for him. Besides, I might be asked to come along. I might meet the sons of his classmates and hopefully spend the evening with the only guy I ever liked. His dad and my dad are batchmates, after all, and I can't rule out the probability of his dad wanting to take him along to experience the difference between LaSallian men 25 years ago and today.

Let's wait and see, then. I will give an update about the matter if I feel like it.

I am typing senseless words, both in this entry and in the opened Word document of our Florante at Laura script. Thank God we only need to hand in the first half of the script tomorrow, which Memi has dutifully revised the other day. I think I can only hand in the completed version of the script tomorrow night, and she'll have the whole afternoon and evening of Tuesday to revise it. Roxane needs the second half on Wednesday, so that we can start practices as soon as possible. When that happens, I need to step out of the skin of Pam and step into the wimpy comic-ass Florante's skin, at least until the second week of February. It'll be over soon.

Great. It hasn't even started and I'm feeling apprehensive and nervous about the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, though. I am completely grateful that I got a role in the play, let alone one of the major roles. I'm just getting the usual case of butterflies, which I hope will disappear when I become Florante.

Speaking of disappearing, that is what I will do now. I'm going to pour my heart out to a very good friend of mine.

2005-01-22T20:38:00.000+08:00

You were caught in the act.

On the good part of this dedicated post to you, thank you for making me acquire a new level of intelligence. This experience will definitely leave quite a print on me and gave me the sharpened ability to spot idiots like you a mile away.

Never insult my intelligence. I may not have as much of it as geniuses have it, but I believe I have quite a lot of it. That whole lot will be entirely separated from emotions and affections once you have provoked me, and you may not like what you would meet and see when it parts.

You may not be so lucky next time around. You only tried ensnaring a simple civilian like me, but good luck to you if you were unlucky enough to have tried to take advantage of a member of the CIA or something similar to that intelligence unit.

2005-01-21T17:20:00.000+08:00

JUDGEMENT DAY is card day.

Therefore, judgement day finds Pam acquitted. Even more than that, even. I should be happy because I've achieved the highest average for my high school life, and even since my grade five days. Truth be told, though, I'm not quite happy. Not by a long shot. But hey, it could've been worse.

Before I go on to the grades, here are the legends: bolded grades mean my proud moments, strike-through means I get headaches just thinking about it, and gratefulness to those I italicized. So, in tradition of sharing the grades, here goes nothing:

~~FILIPINO II - 80~~
ENGLISH II - 92
CAMPUS JOURNALISM - 95
~~MATHEMATICS II - 81~~
STATISTICS - 86
~~BIOLOGY - 83~~
CHRISTIAN LIVING II - 90
ASIAN HISTORY - 88
COMPUTER II - 89
PEHM II - 92
AVERAGE: 87.20
CONDUCT: Am

There goes my aim to not get a grade below 82. Brilliant.

But I am a deportment awardee. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the sky will be falling any day now. Please take extra care of yourselves.

Guys, don't be sad. We did better this quarter and we're definitely better off focusing on that rather than on our woes and disappointments. Aj, Cha, and Angeli in particular -- you guys are still three of the best people I've ever met, and no number of paper-printed figures can ever measure my respect for you guys. Same goes to everyone who feels somewhat disappointed about the outcome of some of their grades.

It's funny how easily you can try inflict happiness in some people's lives when you can hardly do it for yourself.

2005-01-19T20:28:00.000+08:00

Come and see
I swear by now I’m playing time
I against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while i’m
In the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won't tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
~~Reeling in you now~~
What if they came down crushing
Remember when I used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notice now
I’m begging slow I’m coming here
Only waiting I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I’m only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way

I’m coming waltzing back and moving into your head
~~Please, I wouldn't pass this by~~
I would take any more than
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why won't you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won't you run
In the rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you

2005-01-18T20:33:00.000+08:00

Soph Night. February 05, 2005 at Fort Bonifacio.

I might be going, but I didn't know we were actually obliged to bring dates. Not that it's a requirement, but I've been hearing talk among my batchmates about the said topic. Here's an example:

BATCHMATE 1: Going to Soph Night?
BATCHMATE 2: Not sure. It depends if I get a date. Who're you taking?
BATCHMATE 1: I wish I could take (insert the name of a guy she obviously likes).
BATCHMATE 2: Why don't you?
BATCHMATE 1: Nahihiya ako e.

Batchmate, whoever you were, ako nga rin nahihiya e.

I know perfectly well who I want to take with me, but working up the nerve would be something entirely different. I'd rather write five articles for Journalism class than work up the nerve to ask that guy I've been liking for a year and ten months out to Soph Night. Apart from our lovely conversations about anything, he doesn't know much about me and I don't much about him either. But there will be time for that. But damn, do I want to take him or what... I really do.

Maybe I should just get a girl from school to be my date. I used to have a lot of prospects, anyway. Haha.

2005-01-18T17:26:00.000+08:00

Here I am again, being my lugubrious self, like I usually am. I had such a difficult time smiling today, and when I finally did, it was already lunchtime. Who would've thought that Tuldos, aka my classmates, would've been the people to make me smile simply by being their usual noisy, party-lover selves?

(And of course, there was...)

The previous line must be ignored. I AM STRAIGHT. I have no intention of going back to my bisexual tendencies.

Going back to the topic now, the party had a purpose. It was no one's birthday, but instead it was a victory party for our room's players/athletes. For one final round of applause, I give it up for Ellisha, Cheska, AJ, Syoti, Kim Guiang, Kim Sison, Avery, and Grace. CONGRATULATIONS. :-) (do tell me if I missed someone, classmates reading this) Tuldos is too proud of you guys.

I was effing lonely the whole day. I think I remember smiling genuinely only during lunchtime. Oh well. I don't think I have the mood to continue this thing.

2005-01-16T19:38:00.000+08:00

I've been looking through my batchmates' blogs and sites, and I am proud to say that some of them, if not most, are pretty much feeling what I have been feeling since the intrams: proud.

Victories have come to us, and we have also faced losses. Losses were, of course, painful, but even some victories affected us in the same way losses had and made us think if we were worth it in the first place. Right now, there are no qualms about it: we are not worth the blessings bestowed upon us, but rather we are worthy of what we have gotten.

Pain, sweat, tears, blood, wounds, bruises, injuries, hurt feelings, scarred emotions, changed and new friendships, late homecomings, hoarse voices, sore throats, anxiety, exhuberance, bliss, joy, sadness, disappointment, resentment among many other things were what made each of us during the intrams. The choice of being united or divided was a choice we did not think of at first, but it was one wherein we decided upon the last minute.

We chose to unite under that pink flag some of us hate and some of us adore, but whether or not we liked the color or the letters, we still stood under that one banner. We were one, and that's all that matters. There is absolutely nothing else to it.

I failed to give detailed congratulations, but before I attempt to do that, let me give one final shout-out to any Sophomore 2004-2005 reading this entry of mine:

We made each other proud, Sophomores! Let's continue to do this and completely prove to everyone that we are anything but the weakest link that they expected us to be, because we are one GREAT BATCH, and you all know it, otherwise we wouldn't have ended up in here, some of us writing in pride. CONGRATULATIONS BATCH 2007!

***

SWIMMING: Congratulations to all you guys who braved sunburn and chlorine for the batch! You did really, really well and I believe you can make us even prouder than we already are of you guys. :)

TRACK AND FIELD: SOPHOMORES TRACK TEAM: The Champions! What else can we say?! You are brilliance personified, Sophies Track Team. CONGRATULATIONS.

CHESS: Well, well, well. OUR BELOVED SILVER-MEDAL CHESS TEAM! Share your brilliant minds with your batch, chess team! :-) GREAT WORK.

LAWN & TABLE TENNIS: Our lovely tennis players -- you guys did admirably well! Bilib talaga kami sa inyo. Kayang kaya niyo pa iyan! The batch believes in you and is proud of you no matter what happens. Kudos to you guys. :-)

BADMINTON: Another set of lovely players for the Sophomore team (wait, aren't all Sophies 04-05 teams lovely?!)! You guys can make it all the way! The batch believes in you and is proud of you come what may. Once more, kudos. :-D

VOLLEYBALL: SOPHOMORES VOLLEYBALL TEAM: The Champions! What else can be said of you prodigious guys? No matter the situation, remember that you made our batch proud and nothing or no one can change that. CONGRATULATIONS, CHAMPS.

SOFTBALL: I am so proud to tell people that the Sophomore Softball Team is the team of the batch where I belong, and nothing can change that, EVER. You guys were BRILLIANT, nothing more said. :-) I BOW TO YOU GODDESSES.

SPECIAL AWARDS:
Congratulations to the following individuals:
+ PATRICIA ROLDAN
- MVP (Volleyball)
- Best Spiker
+ CHESKA CARREON
- Best Base Stealer
+ AJ GALAROZA
- MVP (Softball)
- Homerun Queen
- Most Runs Batted-In
- (Did I miss or get anything wrong?! Oo na, namakyaw na kasi itong Ganda ko e.)
+ NIKKI CRUZ
- (One of the two) Highest Batting Average

Of course, congratulations to the other batches. The Seniors, of course, were the overall champions and the Freshman followed suit as first runners-up. They got a hell lot of medals, indeed. Juniors, congratulations especially in the volleyball and softball games. As named last year named, one of the best swim teams. :-)

But of course, I will not end this entry without giving a last shout-out:

GO SOPHOMORES 04-05!

2005-01-15T20:01:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I forgot to mention this:

I AM SO PROUD OF MY BATCH, I'M ALMOST DRIVEN TO TEARS.

Well, not quite. But Goddamnit. Compared to what we were during our freshmen year, we have improved so damn much! In all aspects. Spirit, sports, events, unity... Sophomores, fight!

S-O-P-H-I-E-S
//pause or pose (para lang masabing hindi wrong spelling, haha)//
SOPHOMORES!!!

Congratulations to the Freshmen, Juniors, and Seniors. You guys played great games and it was definitely exciting and fun to watch our batch play against you guys (halatang spectator lang e, haha).

I have nothing more to say but...

GO ST. PAUL!

GO BATCH 2007!

2005-01-04T20:04:00.000+08:00

These are just one of the days, unfortunately, when I am feeling particularly annoyingly contemplative [ahem], but for my sake and your benefits, I'd rather not put in all of my idle thoughts in this entry. I may slip in accidentally some ideas, but let's just see as I progress through this entry. I don't even know what I'm doing here, anyway. Tsk.

***

I'm currently counting down to the 8th of this month. Oh, before I venture any further into giving you the details of this [hopefully] happy day, I'd like to wish the F-SD people good luck. They're having their debate tournament that day. Yeah. Good luck to you guys! I'm definitely rooting for you through my prayers.

***

I am feeling apprehensive about the thought of exam results. Though I know that this time I studied as hard as I could, particularly for those damned Biology and Math examinations, I can't help but feel nervous. I don't want any of my scores to go below 75, but at the rate I had gone temporarily insane during the exam days, I don't think I can count on that. Hopefully nothing drastic will meet my eyes.

***

Anyway, back to that little event happening on the 8th. I'm about to meet the guy I've been liking for one and a half years, after a few months of separation [ngii, feeling sila]. (Un)Fortunately, the guy is a slight dimwit when it comes to infatuations like this, so he obviously doesn't have a clue that I have been secretly and madly infatuated with him the day snot came out of his nose [literally]. This guy, however, is turning into the typical [in Reggie's words] alpha-male when I last saw him. Hopefully when we see each other on the 8th, he would be the geek that I've liked for more than eighteen months.

***

I don't want to go back to school. Though I can't wait to see my friends, clear the cobwebs in my head with the new lessons, smile/laugh at certain teachers, look for a pretty girl in the random crowd of SPCP, I don't know what is wrong with me. It looks like I'm quite eager to go back to school, otherwise I wouldn't and couldn't have ennumerated the reasons I just did, but the fact is that I'm NOT. Pisshh.

***

I grew taller and gained weight at the same time, according to my darling doctor. I'm not sure if I should believe her when she told me I'm officially five feet four and a half inches now, though. But still, I'm happy. And that little proclamation, whether true or false, inspired me to begin taking overdoses of Cherifer capsules. Weehee.

***

My mind went to another place just now. I just forgot where. That's been happening to me a lot these days. I would (not?) find myself thinking about things I can't even remember when I snap out of my trance. It's weird and unnerving. I usually zone out at times, but it was never like this. At least in the past, I would zone out, snap out of it, and remember where my mind went. Oh well. I did say once or twice I was weird, after all.

2005-01-03T13:56:00.000+08:00

Chim chiminey chim chiminey chim chim cheeroo.

Like this song line, it's funny how some things that seem so funny or even worthless are the very things you would always think about. It's ironic that you sometimes find the happiness and contentment nothing couldn't seem to give you in the littler things. I guess it just goes to show that nothing in this life should ever be taken for granted, no matter how small or trivial it may appear to you externally or during the first few impressions. It'll somehow play a rather important role if you think of it.

What role is that, no one but you can say. After all, you hold in yourself the screenplay of your life, and only you will serve as the entire crew for yourself. The people around you will just be there to play a role in that story of your life -- you can either choose to just watch everything pass you by and possibly screw up sooner or later with or without your knowledge, or you can drive yourself to play a role in your own life.

We may not have everything, but we have valuable gifts, which include the gift of life and the gift of choice. These two gifts are closely connected, for no one but ourselves can choose to live our own lives for us, after all. If we claim that there are people who are controlling our lives, it's still our fault that that is the case. The choice to let them try control and take over your life is still your choice. You could've done something to prevent it -- you always can.

I'm sorry if I'm just sounding like a frigging missionary. I just would like to go to this blog when I'm down one day and read these thoughts in hopes to find hope. You may just ignore all these senseless bantering of mine, anyway. You've got the choice to do so (Haha, what is this, applying what you have said?).

Oh, DLSU Entrance Exam Results have been released online and via text. I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations to those who have passed! Yipee! You've got a school! Good luck to all of you awaiting the yet-to-be released results of the ACET and UPCAT.

That's it for now.

2005-01-02T17:46:00.000+08:00

This year marks a new level for me. I am avoiding resolutions, because they are broken as easily as a delicate china figurine crashing to the hard ground. This year I will, instead, take crash courses. These courses, however, are far from the typical academic curriculum and its components. There will be no Mathematics, Science (thank God for both counts, eh?) and any of those other subjects. Instead, I'm going to teach myself how to do things right.

Sure, no one ever made a manual on what was right or wrong, important or trivial, correct and incorrect, proper and improper. I myself have never really been sure what was right from wrong. I used to always doubt everything, like if certain relationships were right for me, or whether what we, everyday beings, deem acceptable were the wrong things all along. I never really believed in anything, and I believed that I was a skeptic ad absurdum. That's crash course number one: to believe.

Being a skeptic or a pessmist isn't so bad sometimes. I have found through the years I've been labelled a pessimist and skeptic that you get less hurt with everything that would normally take the wind out of your sails. You would see the negative side in advance, so when that side actually comes to you, you're ready for it -- and you've numbed yourself to the possible pain it would've brought you. However, I just didn't enjoy things completely anymore. It's been so hard to find true, real, genuine smiles and happiness when I have moved into my world of angst, self-pity and pessmism. I can't change overnight, nor do I believe I can ever make a complete turnaround -- this is naturally me, after all. But I will improve what I can, and I will learn to believe. If I did not believe in anything, then all my senses should be deadened, for it will have achieved the same effect as one without faith and belief in the things around her.

Happiness, age. Fac ut gaudeam! This is crash course number two: to try and find happiness in simple things. Allow happiness to come and make my day. I have a life full of it -- but I have chosen the past years to agonize instead of celebrating it. I have focused on the lesser yet lonelier parts of it -- forgetting that the happier side should be dominating me. I'm blessed, and I'm thankful for that, yet I never realized that fully until this Christmas break. I've got a complete family. I've got great friends. I am capable of doing a good number of things. I have no abnormality in my body. I am enrolled in one of the best schools there is. My parents have seen to it that I get a future. They've practically mapped out every possible route I can take; and they have been kind enough to leave the map to me so I can decide for myself. I should be happy for that and everything else. I've got everything I need and even so many things I want.

Which leads me to the third crash course: to live every single day as if it were my last; to not waste a precious minute or second on things I can do without. Why must I prioritize unimportant things and waste my time on them? Life is short. I need to live the best way I could, and there are plenty of important and worthwhile things to be done without having to give regard to things that will not benefit me in any way whatsoever.

I'm going to have to just do it. There's nothing else to it in this fourth crash course. It's quite self-explanatory to each individual. Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur -- life is somewhat like this as well. We are given life the moment the reporductive components of our parents unite, but we alone can choose to live. We choose to live, but we can never choose to stop living. It's a continuous process, and one wasted moment will affect this entire circle we are all going in.

We do not really have any clear and definite reasons for anything. However, we have things, people and beliefs that will make us think that we need no reason nor any scientific explanation in our lives anymore. These beloved beings are the very reasons why we smile and think, "Hey, I think I need more reasons and explanations for this life's worth, after all."

Annus mirabilis, everybody.

2005-01-01T01:11:00.000+08:00

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Let me start off the new year with a lovely meme I have nicked from dear ol' Reggie. The posting of this lovely little thing, I admit, is due to my lack or reluctance to share anything interesting or even worthwhile in this beloved blog of mine. I hope that'll change soon. I miss laughing at my juvenile entries.

(1) I will tell you what song reminds me of you.
(2) I will tell you what celebrity/public/fictional person you remind me of, either personality-wise or looks-wise.
(3) I will give you one word that I associate with you when I think of you.
(4) I will tell you what colors I associate with you.

Reply and tell me if you want me to give you my answers for you. The answers may take time before the proper releasing, so please be patient (look who's talking!).

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY.

2004-12-18T21:48:00.000+08:00

So what? No one ever said it was addicting. I am just fighting the urge to do it again, because I am currently sinking to a disgustingly depressed level. How can something so bad be so damn relaxing and boosting? Jo, I'm sorry, it's just so hard to do. Or not to do, at least.

I've never felt this bad before -- it's beginning to surpass even the time when I got my first ever red mark on the card durign freshman year. I am currently staring blankly at the monitor, watching the letters flow out from the keyboard I am currently putting my fingers into action. I do not feel Christmas at all. I really don't.

You don't feel depressed during Christmas.

You don't hear that hollow pounding in your ears during Christmas.

You don't have your heart breaking during Christmas.

You don't want to just drop dead during Christmas.

You don't have the urge to do something you shouldn't be doing during Christmas. You certainly do not realize you are officially addicted to it.

You don't feel incomplete during Christmas.

You don't have tears stinging your eyes as you try to hold them back during Christmas.

You don't feel so f***ed up during Christmas.

Your world does not crumble to pieces during Christmas.

You're supposed to be complete and somewhat happy during Christmas.

Not me. No, siree.

2004-12-15T13:59:00.000+08:00

Just a little post before I get cracking on reading the first seven chapters of Florante at Laura and taking down keywords for Statistics.

We're done with the first six/seven tests. We had Asian History, Music/Health and Christian Living yesterday. Today we had English, Math and Journalism. Today's schedule is quite funny, really. My hatest subject is lodged in between my two favorite ones. Oh well. Nice balance.

Tomorrow we're having two easy tests, mainly Filipino and Statistics. For Friday we have Biology and Computer. I better get cracking on the notes and books now if I don't want to draw any more unwanted or unneeded comments from oh-so superior teachers.

I want to be a lawyer. Dreams subject for changes without notice.

Bye.

2004-12-12T21:20:00.000+08:00

I am confessing my mistake, my very big mistake. This mistake is something I am not supposed to be doing, but here I am, enjoying it royally and vaguely wondering how something so bad can be so completing for a person. I did not use the word good -- for it isn't good, but it definitely comforts me and makes me feel, well, complete.

Exams begin on Tuesday. I've studied the subjects that we are to take on that day, namely Asian History, Christian Living, Health and Music. I am proud to say that I memorize the Korean music terms -- I'm just not too comfortable with the Indonesian terms, but I don't think I want to care about that much anymore. Haha. I've made a reviewer for Biology, which I plan to take in and memorize tomorrow. Right now, I am waiting for the research of my groupmates to come in -- I'm supposed to be making handouts to give to our classmates tomorrow. How am I supposed to make decent handouts if I havem't got anything to work on? You can't tell me I need to work on my own research and claim it as the grade of everyone in the group -- that would be completely unfair on my part. I do hope they email it to me really soon.

I'm trying to make a nice English poem for me to pass to Pauliworld. I have not been assigned articles the entire year and I need some basis for my grade. I want to stay on in the publication come third and fourth year. Maybe with some slight off-chance, I can pass the edboard test and perhaps be the literary editor for Pauliworld. I'm just not Journalism itself -- giving the news and facts directly. I like finding words that will make everything colorful and a bit more interesting. I'm desperate for something that will establish me as a great writer. Haha. Listen to the big girl with little dreams.

I'm feeling really lonely and sad. I swear.

You know what, today is a rather memorable date for me. December 12. Exactly two years ago, it brought me to a person I really, really loved and thought that I couldn't live without. I swore to myself that she would forever be with me; never to part from me or any inch of my soul. But now I realize, that two years is two years, and symbolizes time for growing, forgetting and moving on. How could I have ever had that much of a skewed judgement? Because when I said I couldn't live without you, I did not have the power to step into the shoes I wear now. That time was then, and I am living in the now, where I can hardly see you.

I should've known that you could never be with me forever. I was so stupid to think that you would always be a part of my soul, and even heart, and that I held such a place in yours. I no longer do, do I? You don't need me anymore. You've got your set of friends that you run to, you've got HER most of all. Where do I, such an imperfect idiot, fit in your already-perfect life?

If our friendship was a race wherein we once ran on our separate lanes, but nevertheless together and happy with each other's company, you've ran ahead claiming that you'd be back, but along the way, you've met a deluge of new people. You've ran alongside them, and you've forgotten that here I am, running tiredly after you, and it seems that I'm slowly giving up day by day.

I have to get back to my pain reliever now. It would make you laugh when you realize what it is, really.

2004-12-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

I'm letting down people with what I am doing about what I am feeling right now, so I'd rather not elaborate on that one. I just feel so fucking guilty and bad. From everything being oh-so perfect, suddenly I want to do something, anything, that will make me forget about all these thoughts running in my head.

So, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I tried, really I did. I just could not help myself in the end. It seems to be dull and useless one minute, and suddenly all emotions are raining down upon me and a deluge of reactions pour forth from me, causing chaos and havoc in my surroundings and in myself. I can't seem to pull myself together completely. I would think one minute that everything's all right for me, then suddenly everything would fall apart after some time. Loose threads and screws are dominating my life.

I am not a strong person. I am not indomitable. I am weak and powerless.

I've been thinking for a year that I need to get some professional help or at least some professional medicine. Maybe then I could stop resorting to the screwed things I do. Or maybe I'm just tired, and everything I am saying right now is under the influence of my heavily drooping eyes and tired mind. My eyes are also tired from crying. Really, they are.

I better go sleep now. It'll be midnight in a couple of minutes.

I want a dreamless sleep, or at least I'm certainly hoping for it.

2004-12-11T18:53:00.000+08:00

Today is Saturday, and the start of our third quarter examinations are on Tuesday. Don't worry, I merely took a break from studying what I could in Asian History. Recently I've been learning to appreciate Ms Magat quite a lot. I don't know why. Yes, she isn't the perfect or even best teacher, but she tries, and I am actually learning somewhat from her. Pathetic, I know, that it took me three whole quarters to realize this.

I just realized that the schoolyear is ending. It's kind of quick for me -- perhaps a bit too hasty for me. I can still remember the first day and it feels as if I'm still a few weeks past the first day of it all. I could say I pretty much got back on my feet this second year -- I believe I'm ready to go and aim for bigger things for third year. Hopefully, even an academic award then. Oh well. First, let me try finish up this second year with at least one academic award or 90+ average. I do not want to settle for a mere 85 or 86 like the grades I've gotten for the second and first quarter respectively.

Oh, and I forgot to mention...

RAMAYANA IS FINALLY OVER!

*Pam stands up to jump up and dance*

I CAN GET BACK TO MY NORMAL, SCRIPT AND TEAR-FREE LIFE! Well, fine, admittedly I'm not too sure about the 'tear-free' bit, but I am definitely feeling better now that the biggest burden of them all has been finally lifted from all of us. Damn, more than a month's worth of headaches, hoarse throats, butterflies, tears, anger, laughs, bitterness and everything in between finally paid off yesterday. The production itself went rather well -- there were a couple of booboos that were hardly noticeable anyway, so it doesn't really matter. What matters is that it is all OVER.

I can finally get back to pondering over certain topics that will make me really think and produce new and, sometimes, screwed ideas. I can (hopefully) write things worth writing for myself again.

I've actually already begun -- I submitted a short story and an essay to Pauliworld. I might get an account in FictionPress so I can put up my original works there. I'm thinking whether I dare risk putting my ludicrous fairy tale in there too. Oh well. Those aren't for people's pleasure -- it's all for me! I mean, people can certainly read it, but I never said that they should love it or even appreciate it in the least sense. Gargh. I'm blabbering again.

It'll take some time for me to get used to writing about things other than my woes and rants about the now-passed Ramayana play. Join your author in his grave, you friggin epic!!!

2004-12-08T18:00:00.000+08:00

Argh.

Our class has a last practice tomorrow until 7. You want to know the catch designed especially for me?! I can't stay until 7!!! I can't even stay until 6!!! I have to get home at 5:30 because my parents and I fought about this whole thing a few days ago!!! I am irresponsible and fucked-up. I am irresponsible and fucked-up.

Jerica, I'm so sorry. I should've been the assistant director instead of the director itself. I am irresponsible and fucked-up.

Classmates, sorry for letting you guys down. Sorry if I was the wrong choice to be put in the position of the director. I am irresponsible and fucked-up.

I am so sorry.

2004-12-08T15:04:00.000+08:00

A thought just crossed my mind. College for me and the rest of my batchmates'll be coming up in two years. Right now, I am getting a clearer idea on what I want to take up. It's just this little matter...

How am I supposed to be accepted in the quota course of Broadcast Journalism when my speaking skills suck? Whenever I speak, I sometimes cannot tell the difference between the letters 'e' and 'i' or 'a' and 'o' anymore. Barok. I am officially getting worthless by the minute.

I suppose I'm getting too futuristic again. It's just that there's nothing else to talk about these days; nothing else to contemplate or think about. It's like everything's just going in circles -- the same old commitments, the same requirements, the same emotions, the same emptiness that all these bring.

Maybe Bea's right. Maybe school is getting the best of me and my emotions, and maybe I should just relax. Exams are coming up next week and I've begun studying -- I've read my Biology and Computer notes, and will reread them again. I'm actually beginning to comprehend things I did not understand the first try around -- I only hope the things I'm thinking about will prove to be of some use in the future, near or distant alike.

I kind of envy the people who are exceptional at something. Sometimes I wish I was like them; great and revered; known for one thing and not to be forgotten anytime soon. But as of the moment I am currently same old Pamela Judith -- maybe one day you will see me again, exceptional and excellent then. That's the day when I'll be waking up from this hopeful slumber of mine. :-)

I better go before I get even more senseless than I currently am.

2004-12-05T10:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I find myself wondering what's the point of it all. When I say 'it', I am referring ro life and everything's that's anything or nothing in it. Why must we do everything we do, anyway? Where did we dig up definitions of what's right and what's wrong? How do we know that what we think is right turns out to be the screwed things to do, and the bad things we were forbidden to do were the right things after all?

It's just funny how easily God can play with us. The toymaker, enjoying His own creations, or the writer, using us at His own whimsical perusal. The father, who watches everything that we do and chuckles silently at Himself whenever we take a few wobbling steps and fall down to the ground with buckling knees. The brother, who makes our life just a little bit harder at times, but loves us all the while, deep in his heart, no matter how invisible or passive He may be.

I believe in a Higher Power, one too kind and merciful to the undeserving human race, yet at the same time, one so horrible and scarily powerful when provoked. I don't care much for the identity of that Higher Power -- whether it be God, Allah, Buddha, Brahma, nature, it doesn't matter to me. A belief in something can be very different from someone else's point of view. It's just a pity most people wouldn't want to accept that there are no real right or wrong ideas in this world. I mean, we're only human, bound to commit many mistakes in life -- what things were we ever sure about?

The facts of life, the opinions on these facts, the creative inventions, the rejected manuscripts, the overflowing words and all the supposed right things carry the correctness we might never affirm. All we can be sure about, the things we can call right, are our own personal stories. These stories include our dreams, our own emotions, basically anything that cannot be taken away from us. You might disagree with me, but like I just said -- these ideas are my own. I never asked anyone to agree or disagree with me; I never even asked anyone to approve of the things I say or do.

It's truly funny, really. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Or rather, we have a funny way of trying and failing to sneak up on life -- that's where our mistakes come in.

That was my attempt to organize my thoughts. I'm afraid that didn't do much good, but at least I've managed to release what I wanted to say.

I've been writing an original story. I spent days working on the first two chapters, writing the raw ideas first in longhand. Then last night, I sat down in front of the computer, opened Microsoft Word, and typed away to my heart's content. Here I inserted everything I could -- vivid descriptions and the like. I've finished chapter one and half of chapter two, and am planning to continue the story once I am done with my Biology project.

The story is something I'm quite happy about, yet not to the point that I would make people read it. It's a fantasy, with the typical castles and medieval warriors as the main setting and character, respectively. Yes, call me a sap, but I'd prefer a term such as 'hopeless romantic' or something akin to it.

I love writing. It makes me so damn happy -- it makes me go through reality with a lighter feeling. I only pray that I will not lose grip on this sad reality we are all living in, but I also wish that I will never lose my sense of fantasy. It's one fo the few things I am holding on to for continuous peace -- I dare not think of what I will become if someone decides to cruelly take it away from me.

An entry of DISCORD.

2004-12-02T20:19:00.000+08:00

I believe that at this rate the effing Ramayana play will be further moved to another day. Yoyong has arrived, so classes are cancelled for tomorrow again. We haven't taken in any practice nor will we be able to this weekend, as I am completely sure we will never be allowed by our protective parents to go to each other's houses amidst floodwater and lightning.

On second thought, I think we're going to have to just do the Ramayana play on Monday. We've thankfully 'polished' chapters three to twelve. Chapters one, two and thirteen are quite easy to get the hang of, unlike the other chapters. I'm not too worried about fourteen, which is the hardest scene (mainly because of the mush and gentleness). I have complete confidence that Camille and Sarah can pull off their scene with great poise and accuracy, as with the other characters involved in the entire play.

They will be focused on the performance itself, I'm sure (or at least I hope -- I'm just trying my hardest to be optimistic). Don't get me wrong -- most of the cast can definitely do it during practices, and I'm sure they'll all pull it off really well come performance time. It's just a pity we had no more time to alter the script and insert funny scenes once in awhile -- I'll just be leaving the characters to do that themselves. Their roles are their own, and the property of others is no longer in my jurisdiction.

Rarr. And after Ramayana, I have the wildest feeling that we will begin discussing the class production of Florante at Laura. They just are so completely fond of swamping us with consecutive difficult tasks, don't they?

This is obviously an entry that is written with tension, pressure and apprehension. Oh, and I forgot, worry and nervousness.

It doesn't matter if we can't do this -- it no longer matters because we have to do this, regardless of what we feel our capabilities are.

2004-12-02T09:05:00.000+08:00

It's just kind of funny and disappointing how certain things never seem to last.

One minute you're all comfortable with a person. You tell her everything, she was always there, she knew everything about you, you helped her, she helped you. It was a perfect two-way relationship.

Then comes this event that changes everything. It can be a new sport, a new instrument, new obligations, new commitments, new loves, new problems. It's something new, but it's something that has driven your old relationship closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. Closer and closer to the end and the death of something that was once good.

Sometimes I miss it. Most times I find myself not caring, actually. One thing's for sure, I can never talk to you and be with you the way we once did. Everything about us changed.

2004-12-01T19:27:00.000+08:00

I can hardly believe it's already December the first. In just twenty-four days, it's Christmas Day and I still don't have any idea what to give people. I might not even give presents to people, except the really special people. Oh well, come what may.

Monday will hopefully be the final schedule of our Ramayana presentation. It keeps on being moved! It really isn't amusing us in the least sense. At least, I'm not pleased at all. The anticipation of the play coupled with the lack of cooperation we are receiving from most of the class is worked up in the negative sense everytime there's a hitch in the schedule.

I'm too tired and preoccupied to continue this entry.

2004-11-29T19:37:00.000+08:00

It's just kind of funny that I often get things my way when I completely do not expect good fortune, and when I'm hoping for something I find that I cannot acquire it. It would normally leave me depressed and disappointed, but thankfully people have told me from the start not to expect anything nor give myself false hope.

So I'm not affected by it -- the fact of the matter is I'm completely happy for the two of you. Just take care of her, all right? She is one of my closest friends, after all. I don't think I want to think about what to do to you if I get word that you've been hurting her.

I won't be torn, though. I will not hesitate to kick your ass if you hurt her, ever. I will give you hell if you hurt her. But if you make her happy, then nothing will top that good feeling that will come inside of me.

2004-11-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

Some things, unfortunately, will always be left hanging by a half-piece of thread in front of you. They may be unanswered questions, questionable emotions, dodgy feelings, carefully woven lies, you name it. All that matters is that you've got to be wary and watch it carefully, because you'll never know when that thread will snap at any given second and cause whatever it supported to fall apart.

Like a person pushed so suddenly from the edge of a cliff, the fall it will take will not be a pretty one. You may feel like flying, soaring and pure bliss for the first fifty feet or so. This all then disappears when you near the ground. Fear erases your feeling of temporary ecstasy and unadulterated happiness, or whatever good things you've got in there.

Fear then tells you, shouts out to you in your face that you are falling and will be crashing to your end. All would seem bleak and hopeless then, until someone comes along and breaks your fall.

It can be a smile, a gentle touch of the hand, a careful embrace that you can melt in. It can be something less obvious, like passing glances at each other that shows one another that you care for each other and nothing less than that. It can also be a slipped note in his/her personal belongings, or saving the last piece of chocolate before going to search for the person to give it to him/her.

Then again, it can be something simple but rather crucial; when not done properly it can cause serious pain to both parties that can scar them for a very long time, perhaps forever.

Three simple words.

I. LOVE. YOU.

It musn't be said if you don't mean it, of course. You have no idea how much a person would be affected upon hearing that.

I am hanging in here, and I will find a way to worm myself out of this delicate piece of string before it snaps under my figurative and literal weight. I will not crash, fall and burn to my death. I never will.

2004-11-25T11:00:00.000+08:00

Here I am, blogging away in here once more. I think I'm not going to blog in my LJ until December the first, you know, just for kicks. It seems easier to express what I've been openly feeling for the past few days, and it has really helped me. I can't imagine if I couldn't put what I wanted to express down in words -- I might've gone mad at the mere notion of it.

Today was a pretty much okay day for me, except for the fact that it was a highly uncomfortable state for me, as it is my time of the month. I usually get the worse deal because I follow an irregular cycle -- I get it about once every three months and when I get it, boy, do I really get it. It was kind of tough for me to concentrate during lessons and practices -- it took a lot of willpower not to whimper and wince in class, though during the end of Ramayana practice it was too much for me and I had to clutch my whatevers in class.

I am telling you, that play is getting the best out of all of us. We start practice tired at the idea of having so much homework and requirements to submit and end the practice even more tired than how we started it. We then get home to eat dinner, rest for a few spare minutes and tiredly begin doing our homework. I'm only grateful I'm a mere director; I can't imagine how much it's hell for the cast. I'm now officially sorry for being hard on them.

I really am frustrated with myself. I'm a director -- I need not memorize any lines, yet I still am not good at my job at all. People are being so nice to me and all, but I really feel as if I'm the worst person to ever walk the earth. Oh, and also the most incompetent and utterly useless director. I'm extremely sorry to the cast and all the other people I need to help but can't seem to -- maybe I'm just really not trying hard enough. I am so extremely sorry.

INDOMITABLE - incapable of being subdued

Maybe I am indomitable in a rather negative way. I am indomitably thinking how bad I am. Oh well. At least we've got a long weekend ahead of us. I have time to poison myself day by the day before the actual presentation. I don't want to feel all guilty and horrible when I see the great cast go to waste because of my suckiness.

2004-11-24T01:33:00.000+08:00

The Pam today is officially being driven to the edge of insanity today and is doing nothing that's entirely productive. Counter-productive, even. Practice didn't turn out to be so bad for everyone -- it was actually quite fun, for me at least. Everything seemed to go extremely smoothly today, and that made me more than just happy.

I am sort of annoyed at some people right now, though. It's nothing too personal; it just gets kind of irritating when people would suddenly burst out on you to ask for something that requires your full attention and thinking AFTER YOU TOLD THEM YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF WORKING OR DOING ANYTHING UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE IT. The irritating part is when they go on and ask away, anyway. Thank God for YM's invisible mode. Good-bye, pink-assed dodos who irritate me to bits.

Another reason why I think I'm losing my mind is that I decided to experiment on make-up for Friday's Health presentation. Nothing too fancy, really -- just extremely heavy black eyeshadow all around the eyes. I kind of look scary, if I do say so myself. I'm going to post pictures in here once I've sent them over from my currently loadless cellphone. I am either scary-looking or I just look plain different. It's up to you to choose once you've seen the pictures.

It's really tough to get along with a sim-locked cellphone -- I can't even use my f***ing Sun Sim! :-( I swear, I will look for an open line cellphone that can send text messages and make-receive calls even if it's as big as the effing remote control.

I wonder why I've been feeling so much lately. It's not that I'm a dense twat on normal days. It's more like I usually only feel one emotion and urge at a time, and never as much as I am carrying right now. On a (relatively) normal day these days, I would usually have a mixture of feelings such as happiness, boredom, flatness, hollowness, loneliness, anger, wistfulness and emptiness. It's kind of tiring on my part to try to explain anything right now, though, so I'll skip this bit for now and get back to it when I'm inspired to do so.

I also do not know what is going wrong with me. I used to speak straight and write pretty nicely -- now? I would give new pronunciations for words (such as confusing 'i' for 'e' or vice versa) and whenever I would double-check my writings, they are filled with huge portions of appalling grammar and miscontructed sentences and words. It's so humiliating! I suppose the little description I have in here suits me.. I'm worse at what I do best, but I definitely do not feel blessed for that bit. But still, I'm contented.

2004-11-23T12:10:00.000+08:00

I am quite put out at the moment -- I wrote a longish entry on my LJ and it completely screwed up! :-( It's just so frustrating. There were even lyrics to Blackbird in there. I've been humming that great song in my mind for the past couple of hours, and I am so not tired of it yet. I doubt I ever will be. How in the world will you get sick of The Beatles?! You must be wacko to do that.

Speaking of The Beatles, they are among my Christmas wishlist (CD Department). Wipee. I'm putting up a list in here sometime, just for the sake of putting it up. :-) I'm sorry; I'm not quite thinking straight right now. I still can't get over the fact, the dreadful fact, that it is schooltime again tomorrow. I would've looked forward to it if it weren't for the stupid Ramayana practices. It always gives my confidence a spurt of acid, thus making it a layer or two thinner than it had been before the start of practice.

(YOU MUST BE OPTIMISTIC, PAM. PATIENT, OPTIMISTIC AND RELAXED.)

That is what the little voice in my mind is telling me. I must follow it at all costs. It's only until next week. After November 30 my nightmares will be over and I can sleep soundly again. And after Ramayana, it's December 1! The start of the month of Christmas! Yes! :-D

I'm still saving up for little gifts for people.. but of course, first things first. :-) *mysterious suspenseful silence*

I'm kind of weird and strung-up right now, so I'll leave this entry as it is. Till next time, my pretty darlings. :-)

2004-11-22T10:42:00.000+08:00

Some things have made me wonder: am I pressuring people too much?

I am sort of dreading going back to school. I have done nothing as of late, whether it be the Veronica Guerin reaction paper, acquiring the signature for parish involvement, writing the script for our Health presentation, thinking about what to do with our effing Ramayana play or whatever the hell we were assigned to do this weekend. Yes, I have stuff on my plate which I haven't even started on yet, and I go to school pressured and screaming my head off at the people there.

I just want the third quarter to be over and done with.

Why the hell did I even agree to be the director for the bloody Ramayana play? I really know that I'm not doing a good job at all -- I can't even take advantage of the relatively good cast. I am just one atrocious dimwit who cannot do anything right. Well, at least I'll know never to take on a big job like that in the future.

Perhaps in our production of Florante at Laura, I'd be a character. A minor one, hopefully. I'd help with the props and the music. I'll be the prompter. I'll be the stage manager. Just not the director. I cannot do this. I cannot be as good as the actors.

I have the greatest feeling that more than half the class is secretly cursing me behind my back. I also get the wildest feeling that a good number of them want to impeach me. GO AHEAD DARLINGS. You'd be doing me a great big favor if you did that. Damnit. I have found out that my parents and I might be going out of town next weekend. I hope it won't be until Monday -- the class is planning to do the final practice then, since performance is the next day.

I will be going off to plan something and finalize the entire thing. Good luck to me, please. I'm going to need it. God knows I need it.

2004-11-22T03:14:00.000+08:00

I've still got a hangover from last night. Not alcohol intoxication-hangover, mind you. I still can't get over the events of last night. Thinking about it makes me so damn HAPPY. *Pam grins deliriously*

Now, it's back to reality. It's back to script-making, requirement-fulfillment and all those other school factors, but at least I can face them with a happier disposition. Gargh. I'm sounding more and more like Miss Mary Sunshine, if you ask me. Who would've thought that I, Miss Ultimate-Moodiness and one of the princesses of Scary Rage and Pessimism, would begin to get a more optimistic view on things? What is happening to the entire sick world?

I'm exaggerating, I know. I guess I just don't have anything better to do than to stretch the happiness I'm feeling as far as it could go. I'd hate to see the happiness go to waste; rare and sporadic enough as it is. Wait. An idea entered my screwed brain. I will update my previous entry right now, thanks very much. :)

MiROCKles.

2004-11-21T17:27:00.000+08:00

Yes, that's where I've been. I have come from my first night out, and nothing could make my first night out better than being with my closest friends and older ones, and the ones I haven't seen for quite some time now.

Fifi invited us to Gasoline Alley to watch Mirockles and at the same time, have dinner in there. That was her birthday celebration treat for us. I arrived at Galleria at 5, where Guada, Fifi, Charade and Avery were already waiting. My gorgeous besbud gave me quite the shock when she paraded in front of me in her miniskirt. And yes, the other numerous Paulinians in Galleria who we happened to meet along the way shared that classic reaction of mine.

Skipping the mall circulation parts, we then proceeded to Gasoline Alley at 7:30, where a table was already reserved for us. 'Us' portraying to the following: (the ates) Borj (sexy as always), Irel (she who drank beer after finishing her retreat -- tsk :p), Irene (my former busmate whom I really miss), Jeni, Amy, Niki (who made me think 'wow', by the way), (the batchmates *huh?*) Fifi, Avery, Aika, Guada, Charade, Justine and myself. Give or take the few friends some of us brought, our table was only roughly good enough for all of us. The show didn't start at until 8:45, and the first set was Boy Elroy.

After their set, I was able to get Conrad Javier's and Ala Paredes's autograph. Here are the two bits of conversation I've had with Conrad (who is, by the way, the vocalist of Boy Elroy):

(PAM TAPS CONRAD ON THE ARM, AND CONRAD LOOKS AROUND)
PAM: Excuse me... (gestures to the ticket and her G-Tec)
CONRAD: (looks blankly at the Pam for two seconds, another two blank seconds at the ticket and his eyes suddenly widen upon realizing what he was supposed to do) Oh! (grins at Pam and gets the ticket and G-Tec, signs hurriedly and gives it back to Pam)
PAM: Thank you.
CONRAD: Wait, let me give you a sticker.. wait just a minute.. (goes off to the back)
(AFTER FIVE MINUTES)
CONRAD: (taps Pam and hands her a Boy Elroy sticker) Here you go.
PAM: (grins disbelievingly) Thank you.

Hell yes. Conrad Javier gave me a Boy Elroy sticker! :-D I am so happy! Oh, and here's another bit of a Conrad encounter about ten minutes after he gave me the sticker:

(PAM IDLY WIPES THE BEVERAGE SPILLS FROM THE TABLE WITH OODLES OF NAPKINS)
CONRAD: Excuse me..
PAM: (looks up) Yes?
CONRAD: (mouths something incoherent)
PAM: Excuse me?
CONRAD: Tissue. May I have tissue, please?
(PAM QUICKLY GETS TWO CLEAN NAPKINS FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE AND HANDS THEM TO CONRAD)
CONRAD: Thanks.

Pity he has a girlfriend, who's really pretty, sexy and tall. Conrad's on the short side, and he and his girlfriend look so cute together. Awhile ago, it was Conrad sitting on his girlfriend's lap/chair rest. This means that I will be getting a boyfriend taller than Conrad Javier in the future! Haha! :-D

My going to the event was a miracle in itself. My parents are quite skeptical about allowing me to go to the mall even during daytime, so I was totally expecting that they'd shoot me down when I asked for permission. But they didn't. :-) And I am just grateful for that.

*PAM'S POSTSCRIPT*
+ I forgot to take pictures! :-(
+ I wasn't able to buy Imago's second album (as in the limited edition!) due to the absence of money. Wah :-(
+ There was a table that swapped your cigarettes for lollipops. I quite wanted a lollipop, but I wasn't able to find a cigarette! :-(

Home alone.

2004-11-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

Geez, how I loved that movie and Macaulay Culkin. His other siblings just didn't do it the way he did, career-speaking or otherwise. Hail the eldest Culkin!

Seriously, though, I am home alone. There's virtually no one in the house except myself and the inanimate objects. Let's just all be surprised if I'll be typing in here much later about the productive conversation I've had with the intercom or something else. Let's not dwell on the idea -- I'd rather not be labeled something other than slightly weird and unorthodox.

I haven't done Tae-Bo in two days, mainly because there were things more important than exercise that I wanted to take care of. It's nothing bad, actually. I just like making the most of the time given for me to be with people who are too important to me to fight with, least of all to lose. Ah.

I HATE ALCOHOL AND I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND.

Enough said. :-)

2004-11-13T13:28:00.000+08:00

Well, everybody's just been migrating from Tabulas to other online journal services. For what reasons I dare not state in here anymore; as I too have joined the bandwagon and activated my long-dormant accounts all over the web. I'm currently diligently using LiveJournal, but I made that account some time ago. Summertime, unless I'm very much mistaken. Oh well. So much for online journals.

I don't really have thoughts to ponder on right now. I spent the whole day practicing for the upcoming Ramayana play for English class, and I'm still quite tired from that. To boot, today was quite a hard day for me, because I shouldered one heavy emotional burden. I will no longer give details in here, but I will instead give you the words I have decided to live by:

Chill. Don't stress over the littlest things.

They're the sayings people would often tell me over the past years, but I never really let it process through my thick bonehead. Until today.

And most important of all...

I HATE ALCOHOL, AND I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND.

I will never trade the latter for anything else, not if I can help it. It's so difficult to keep up a fight with the most special and important person in my life. Today was a very traumatic day for me, one day that I will never hope for its repeat performance.

All in all, I'm pretty contented. I ought to update this more -- it's such a good blog, technicalities and all.

Girl Power (aka Man Hater)

2004-09-12T03:33:00.000+08:00

I'm a girl.

What are you thinking, my dear friend? Do you find my three-word statement rather weird? Are you thinking of its relevance? Or are you perhaps a member of the opposite sex, guffawing, saying "hahaha" because of the ideas of inferiority entering your polluted mind? Are you a more decent member of the opposite sex, curious and wondering what I have to say? Or are you another girl like me, sighing a little at our fate?

If you fall under the first category, stick around. If you wonder of its connection with anything, stick around with those who fell under the first category. If you're a disgusting pig of the opposite sex who's currently laughing for no reason, I invite you to stick around and see if you still have that all-knowing smile in your face afterwards. If, however, you're a more decent version of the boys, welcome and read on. If you're another girl like me, sighing slightly, then read on and maybe find a companion or two in your thoughts.

I never really hated being a girl. Even if I did, what can I do about it, right? I was born a girl -- I was made a girl. The reproductive cells of my parents produced me, a girl. And I wouldn't have existed in the first place if I was NOT a girl. Someone else would be in my place.

This entry is more of my rantings about men's blatant discrimination against women. It's just so biased and horribly uncalled for. Do they know everything about us? Do they know what we're made of -- what we women have to go through to make this world go on and better for these pathetic, sometimes animal-like men? Men claim that they're the stronger gender -- that they have to go to work everyday to raise a family. Tell me, men, what else do you do besides playing the rold of the breadwinner in the family? What if you haven't got a family? You play breadwinner to yourself? Hardly an act of courage and strength.

Besides, who said women don't work to raise their family? There are so many working mothers and even more working single mothers. Single mothers, who were abandoned by cowardly animals who impregnated them, who chose to go through the pain of being branded with shame and disgrace during the length of her pregnancy, who actually had to go through the pain of pregnancy and childbirth itself, who on any other normal day had to go through painful menstruation and the perils of shaving who knows what parts of their body to look presentable.

Single mothers are perhaps the best representation of the strength of women. It's just a pity men are too engrossed in praising themselves in hitting the stock markets or what to even notice.

Men have to shave their faces everyday, and they claim that's a tough task. Women have to shave their legs and armpits everyday. Tell me, everyone, are faces longer than legs armpits combined? What's the tougher task now?

Men have wet dreams, they counter. Wet dreams are products of men's pleasurable sleeping. Women, who have their PMS or menstruation itself, have to toss and turn for several more hours just so they can get a half-decent sleep. Wet dreams, you say? Please.

Who gets pregnant? Who has to gain an extra thirty or forty pounds during pregnancy? Who has to carry all that extra weight and the weight of emotional burdens for nine months, for one pregnancy? Who gives birth? Who screams in the delivery room; who feels pain instead of slumber? After recovery, who breastfeeds the kid along with making dinner for the husband? In the case of single mothers, who has to go back to work even when she's not fully recovered, who breastfeeds the kid when getting home and skips her well-deserved meal to do so? Who gives her little hungry kids her share of the food when nothing's left on the table? Women do. Mothers do. Women.

Oh, and who actually listens to problems? Women do. This list can go on and on and on, but unfortunately, I've no more time to continue this. Besides, I suppose this entry will be too long and boring to read...

Forgive me for my rantings.

So to all the men who smirk at the thought of women, think twice you cowards.

It's obvious I am a man-hater, am I not?

SEPTEMBER 11, 2004:
Rest in peace to the souls who passed exactly three years ago.

Slightly organized thoughts

2004-09-10T04:04:00.000+08:00

I look at the pictures I have, and I wonder why my face changes so at every photograph. It never occurred to me that the pictures' results and beauty depends on the photographer until I read a story of Reggie entitled "Photographs". It sure the hell shed light on me and I realized, hell, she was right.

I like taking pictures of myself using my cellphone -- it's the only time where the 'real' face of me comes out. After all, there's no one behind the camera to look for angles and force himself or herself to make the 'specimen' look as good as possible. No holds barred, just space and time peering at you, your only judges and photographers.

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I wanna make you feel beautiful

***

Make room for the prey
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate

These two song lines just came up in my mind all of a sudden. I made a resolution not to stress myself; to be honest with myself and not keep my real feelings to myself anymore. But somehow, I can't remember how to express my emotions or feelings anymore. I realized I've been hiding away for the longest time and I don't know how to tell everyone what I am feeling anymore. Make room for the prey, cause I'm coming in with what I wanna say but it's gonna hurt and I love the pain, a breeding ground for hate. I have a feeling if I am to regain my honesty and clarity, what I'm going to say wouldn't be so pretty. Unpretty, but honest.

I realized with the past happenings of my life that I am holding on to only a few things before I break down completely. I don't even have tears to cry anymore. It's like, everytime I would feel that acidic liquid welling up in my eyes, I would freeze completely and they would retreat and go back to where they came from, rejected and unwanted. I always cry, and everytime I do so, I always wish I wouldn't. Now that I got my wish.. well.. I'm now wishing that the tears wouldn't freeze up inside me and turn me into some cold, stone-hearted bitch.

How would I describe myself? This is a question often raised in those overrated cutesy autograph books, and they give you TWO lines to answer that "Describe Yourself" part. And what's everyone's favorite answer? JUDGE ME. Well, blame that on the horrible lack of space. How are you supposed to describe yourself within two lines? You can't even describe yourself fully describe yourself if you were given a 100-page notebook.

Here's my feeble attempt to describe myself:
+ Moody
+ Pessimistic
+ Reflective
+ Friendly (am I?)
+ Hot tempered
+ Impatient
+ Pikon
+ Sweet (I think)
+ Thoughtful (maybe)
Hell, I'm not even sure of my own 'good traits'. Sheesh. Enough of that. That is a task I will never be able to fully accomplish.

Missing out on and missing something.

2004-09-10T01:08:00.000+08:00

Today is September 09, Thursday, 9:58 am. This obviously means that I am absent. I hate being absent. It makes me feel that I have so much to catch up on when I go back to school; and catching up forcibly is something I despise doing. It gives me a feeling that I am ignorant and careless, albeit unwillingly. I hate having to stress myself over the long Biology notes that I missed, the Computer lesson I missed after the longest time, the on-the-spot club practical test I missed, I missed, I missed, I missed...

Not only that, I feel like I wasted one day of seeing the people I love, the friends that give me encouragement. I should've listened to them. They told me not to stress myself out else I would get physically sick; and I dismissed them as overreactors and continued stressing myself out. Look where that led me -- a bad case of indigestion and a high fever afterwards. I'm not kidding; they had to give me a freaking laxative in the clinic so I could purge out everything. That resulted me to throwing up six times and doing the number two act once. I will never go back to the clinic after what I went through yesterday -- oh, the utter humiliation.

Though I don't like being absent, it does have its perks. I am granted one day of silence and serenity; leading me to contemplate on things I ought to think about more often. Right now, my thoughts are brewing up in my mind, but they aren't so organized yet, so I'll get back to writing when my thoughts are in a straight line, or at least something close to the organization of one.

Loneliness

2004-09-07T12:27:00.000+08:00

Weeping eyes with tears that are falling yet waiting to be caught one day -- the perfect saying for what the heart would feel at a normally lonely day.

If the sun doesn't seem to rise nor shine, count on the rainbow which will come after the rain -- it's the one saying this lonely heart would hold on to when it has let go of everything good it had. Loneliness. Such a sad word indeed. But then again, loneliness IS sadness.

Yes, it's not a nice feeling at all. It's definitely a far cry from the feeling of happiness, warmth and joyous emotions, at least. Yet everytime I feel this cold emotion called loneliness, it's not all icicles and cold tears that comprises the entire package. During the duration of this feeling, I am able to be aware of my senses and actually make use of them.

Here I can see the colors defined by the tears welling up in my eyes; like water spread over thick paint, aiming to enrich the color to just the right shade. These colors are not too thick nor too thin and blurry; the tears I hold back neutralize and accent these hues, until I see it the way life's scenario should be seen.

I would catch the smallest whiffs of perfume or soap when I feel all empty from crying and sadness. Perhaps these odors, be it the smell of cooked chicken from downstairs, the unhealthy smoke I breathe in when I'm outdoors, the sweet smell of lilacs when I hug my mom, or the musky scent of my dad's strong perfume coupled with the distinct smell of a crisp and formal office, are all I have that can fill me with something, that can stop me from being empty for long.

I can feel the slightest things that make contact with me, be it a needle I prick on my finger to rouse me, the book I chose to pound my frustrations out, or the bed and blanket I have rested my body on when I just need to give up. Loneliness makes me numb. By these sources of touch, it stops me from losing it all completely. It reminds that I need to feel and that I *can* still feel if all seems too much for me already.

The slightest cry, the merest grunt, the softest laughter and the deafening silence -- my ears seem to perk up, waiting for the merest trace of happiness's call. I am alert and wary; hopeful for someone or something to call me out of this world of loneliness I am living in and bring me back to what life should be -- a life of happiness and peace.

So, allow me to leave you a bit, have a little drink and sink into the sea that is my bed and drown in its glory of slumber.

Life's Beauty

2004-09-06T13:11:00.000+08:00

Right now, I want nothing more than to sift through those excess thoughts from everyone's head; those thoughts that hinder me from what I really want to know: what everyone really wants.

No one can expect me to read their minds and understand them every single minute of their lives; I am no mind-reader. Even if I was, I wouldn't want to waste my effort and time reading vague signs and unclear symbols. There are better things to do in life than focus your efforts on pleasing people -- life was lent to you by God to try do many different things to scope out your true mission from. You cannot spend your life doing one single thing forever, like trying to be perfect for everyone's pleasure. You will have lived a wasted life if you would do that.

What are these better things, you might ask. We all differ from our opinions on what better things may be, but I have my own views on the said matter. Life would be beautiful during those times when you feel that you've found your solace and solidarity, be it in the quiet area in the province where you are overlooking the sunrise or the hurly-burly of the city. Yes, some of us just prefer noise over the silence, and they do have their own reasons for doing so.

Life can be appreciated when we listen to music, be it rock, pop, sentimental, classical or what. On the other hand, some people would again prefer silence. Some would want to curl up against their pillows and read a good book, some would want to lie down on their beds while listening to music and counting the cracks in the ceiling.

Life's beauty will not only be seen in these material assets. For the less privileged -- the sight of their parents coming home from work abroad after a year or two will bring joy to the children's hearts. They would run to their parent, hug him or her so tightly until the parent's eyes have closed, half holding back tears of content and half relieved to finally be home. Perhaps it can also be seen through a parent's eyes welling up with tears as s/he watches his/her child walk up the stage to receive the diploma, marking the reward for a lifetime's worth of hard work and sacrifice. Maybe the sight of her child enjoying a simple meal she brought home would make the prostitute mother's heart fill with a sense of fulfillment, despite the job that completely hinders her from having any kind of emotion such as fulfillment and pride.

I could be wrong, though. I have to tend to my own life and everything in it before I can analyze others' lives the way I do with mine. I haven't even gotten a quarter of the picture of what my life is -- how much more can I do with other people's?

I've got my own life. Or at least, one very Big Guy up there lent it to me. And after years of waiting, after much confusion, I think I'm beginning to realize what I want. But in line with this, I have fully accepted that what I want may not be the one I need or what I'm destined for. What I want may also change, but all I need won't.